Rankings
Definitive rankings of things that probably should not be ranked
Sarah Boffinrankings6d agoInter Came Back From 2-0 Down at Como So I Checked What Actually Happens When Serie A Leaders Bottle the First Half. The Data Is Magnificent.
Inter went 2-0 down at Como and won 4-3. I ran the numbers on Serie A comeback wins by eventual champions. You won't like them if you enjoy calm football.
3 min read
Mo Memesrankings6d agoThe Champions League Is Apparently Bad Now So I Ranked the 7 Stages of Premier League Clubs Pretending They Don't Want It
Premier League clubs are gaslighting themselves into thinking the Champions League is a burden and honestly the cope levels are off the charts 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings6d agoTom Brady Trash-Talked Wrexham After Birmingham Won So I Ranked the 7 Levels of Celebrity Owner Banter From "Polite" to "Absolute Menace"
Tom Brady trolled Wrexham's owners after Birmingham beat them 2-0. So we ranked every level of celebrity owner banter. Level 7 is unhinged. 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings12 AprVan Dijk Backed the Liverpool Ticket Protest So I Ranked the 7 Levels of "Captain Speaks Out" Energy From Polite to Full Revolution
Van Dijk said fans have a "right" to protest ticket prices and honestly we need to talk about the absolute spectrum of captain activism in football history 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings12 AprLaura Blindkilde Brown Said She "Likes Proving People Wrong" So I Ranked the 7 Levels of Footballer "Doubter Energy" From Mild to Absolutely Unhinged
England's Blindkilde Brown says she thrives off doubters. She's not alone. Mo Memes ranked every level of footballer revenge arc energy. This is cinema. 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings12 AprChris Sutton Said Spurs 'Will Go Down' So I Ranked the 7 Levels of Pundit Relegation Prophecy From "Concerned" to "Writing the Eulogy"
Chris Sutton went on Football Focus and said Tottenham WILL go down. Not might. Will. So we ranked every level of pundit doom prediction. 💀⚽
3 min readSarah Boffinrankings12 AprMarie-Louise Eta Is the First Woman to Manage a Bundesliga Men's Team So I Checked What Actually Happens When Clubs Make "Historic" Appointments. The Data Is Fascinating.
Union Berlin appointed Marie-Louise Eta as Bundesliga's first female head coach. I checked what happens when clubs make historic firsts during relegation battles. The data is remarkable.
3 min readMo Memesrankings12 AprEmma Hayes Has Won 10 Straight Games So I Ranked the 7 Levels of "Don't Even Bother Showing Up" Energy in International Football
Hayes has the USWNT winning 10 in a row and the "evolution" she's describing sounds less like coaching and more like a final boss transformation 💀⚽
3 min readSarah Boffinrankings12 AprPulisic Got Jeered Off at San Siro So I Checked What Actually Happens When Home Fans Boo Their Own Players. The Data Is Deeply Counterintuitive.
Milan fans booed Pulisic off after a 3-0 home loss to Udinese. I checked the data on what happens next when players get jeered by their own supporters. You won't like it.
3 min readMo Memesrankings11 AprBayern Munich Scored 102 League Goals So I Ranked the 7 Levels of "Stop, They're Already Dead" in Football History
Bayern just broke the Bundesliga scoring record and the league is still going. I ranked every level of competitive destruction from "dominant" to "call the police." 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings11 AprLautaro Martínez Got Injured Again So I Ranked the 7 Levels of "He's Back!" That Actually Mean Nothing in Football
Lautaro returned from a seven-week injury and immediately got hurt again. This is cinema. Here are the 7 levels of premature "He's back!" announcements 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings11 AprOllie Watkins Said He's Been Messaging Michael Owen So I Ranked the 7 Most Dangerous Celebrity DMs a Footballer Can Send
Ollie Watkins revealed he's been sliding into Michael Owen's DMs for advice and honestly this is the most unhinged footballer revelation of 2026 so far 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings11 AprWest Ham Just Sent Spurs Into the Relegation Zone So I Ranked the 7 Levels of "Banter Era" a Club Can Reach
Spurs are in the relegation zone. West Ham put them there. Nuno is their coach. The memes write themselves. Here are the 7 levels of Banter Era. 💀
3 min readSarah Boffinrankings11 AprÁlvaro Arbeloa Said Madrid Were Denied a 'Clear Penalty' So I Checked How Often Madrid Actually Get Denied Penalties. The Numbers Are Hilarious.
Real Madrid drew 1-1 with Girona and blamed the ref. I checked the penalty data. Turns out Madrid get more penalties than almost anyone. The audacity is measurable.
3 min readMo Memesrankings10 AprBalogun Equalled Neymar's Goal Streak Then Lost 4-1 So I Ranked the 7 Levels of "Personal W, Team L" in Football History
Balogun scored for the 7th straight Ligue 1 game to equal Neymar's record. Monaco lost 4-1. The memes write themselves. We ranked the levels. 💀
3 min readSarah Boffinrankings10 AprDe Zerbi Said He'll Be Spurs Boss 'No Matter What' So I Checked What Happens When Managers Say That. The Data Is Merciless.
'No matter what' is the football manager's equivalent of 'I'm fine' in a relationship. I ran the numbers. They're brutal.
3 min readMo Memesrankings10 AprMascherano Said There's Too Much 'Noise' Around Inter Miami So I Ranked the 7 Types of Noise Every Failing Champion Makes
Mascherano told everyone to ignore the "noise" and honestly that's the most noise a manager can possibly make 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings10 AprEnzo Fernández Apologised for Wanting to Leave Chelsea and I Ranked the 7 Stages of "Sorry I Got Caught" in Football
Enzo said sorry for flirting with Real Madrid. Chelsea said he's still benched. The memes write themselves. Here are the 7 stages every footballer goes through. 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings10 AprArsenal Want to Sell Lewis-Skelly AND Nwaneri for £100m So I Rated Every 'Selling the Future to Fund the Present' Move Out of 10
Arsenal reportedly want £100m from selling two of their brightest academy products. We rated every iconic 'sell the kids' moment in football history. The memes write themselves 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings10 AprChristian Fuchs Won the Premier League and Now He's Fighting League Two Relegation So I Ranked the 7 Levels of 'Where Are They Now?' Descent
Christian Fuchs went from Premier League champion to League Two relegation fighter. I ranked every level of the 'Where Are They Now?' pipeline. This is cinema. 💀
3 min readSarah Boffinrankings10 AprOllie Watkins Gave a Halftime Team Talk and I Ran the Numbers on Whether Players Yelling at Each Other Actually Works
Ollie Watkins says he delivered a halftime wakeup call against Bologna. I checked every 'player-led team talk' this season. The numbers are brutal.
3 min readMo Memesrankings9 AprPorto's Goalkeeper Gifted Nottingham Forest a Goal and I Ranked the 7 Most Devastating Howlers in European Competition History
Porto's own goal gave Forest life in the Europa League and honestly the memes write themselves. I ranked the worst European howlers ever. 😭⚽
3 min readSarah Boffinrankings9 AprThe USMNT Hired Drone Operators and Data Scientists for World Cup Prep and I Ran the Numbers on Whether Any of It Actually Works
The USMNT has drones, hype videos and a team of data analysts preparing for the World Cup. Sarah Boffin checked whether any of this theatre correlates with results.
3 min readMo Memesrankings9 AprAndy Robertson Is Leaving Liverpool After 9 Years So I Ranked the 7 Types of 'Legend Departure' Every Club Goes Through
Robertson confirmed leaving Liverpool this summer. Every legend exit follows the same script. I ranked all 7 types and honestly some of these hit different 😭⚽
3 min readMo Memesrankings9 AprSpurs Hired De Zerbi to Avoid Relegation and I Ranked the 7 Most Unhinged 'We're Not Going Down… Right?' Manager Appointments in Football History
Spurs are seven games from potential relegation and hired the most aesthetically committed manager alive. The memes write themselves 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings9 AprJulián Álvarez Said He Tried to 'Emulate Messi' With That Free Kick and I Ranked the 9 Most Audacious 'I Was Channelling [GOAT]' Claims in Football History
Álvarez channelled his inner Messi with a stunning free kick at Camp Nou. So we ranked every time a footballer claimed they were copying a legend. The delusion is elite. 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings9 AprEddie Howe's Summer of Chaos Is Coming So I Ranked the 7 Types of 'Defining Summer' Every Club Goes Through
Newcastle face a 'defining summer' with Howe's future uncertain and key players potentially leaving. We've seen this film before. Here are the 7 types of chaotic summer, ranked. 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings9 AprThe World Cup Travel Survey Dropped and I Ranked the 7 Stages of Realising You Can't Afford to Go
A new survey says fans are stressed about visas, safety, and prices for the 2026 World Cup. We ranked every stage of slowly realising you're watching it from your sofa. 💀
3 min readMo Memesrankings8 AprLeicester Lost Their Points Deduction Appeal and I Ranked the 8 Stages of Grief Every Club Goes Through When the EFL Comes Knocking
Leicester's appeal got rejected and honestly the content just keeps giving. We ranked every stage of EFL points deduction grief. This is cinema 💀
3 min readSarah Boffinrankings8 AprScotland and England Fans Face a Train Fare Hike to Boston and I Ran the Numbers on How Much FIFA Cares About 'Fan Experience'
FIFA said the 2026 World Cup would prioritise fan experience. The numbers suggest it prioritises fans who own helicopters.
3 min read