LOLFOOTBALL
📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say 73% of football "scandals" generate more headlines than actual consequences, but do carry o..." ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say only 0.3% of non-league players ever reach the Premier League, so whilst it's lovely for Co..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, we didn't have "sagas" - we had players who either signed or didn't, and managers got on with it instead o..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me Arsenal's mystery departure could trigger a MASSIVE domino effect across Europe - bu..." ★ 💀 MO: "Everton really said "we can't buy Premier League quality so let's just poach the Championship's finest" 💀" ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say 73% of "surprise" football decisions were telegraphed weeks earlier by suspicious training ..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me this discount proves England are so confident of World Cup glory they're already flo..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me Arteta's gone absolutely mental in the transfer market - ten targets AND hijacking U..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, if you wanted to spy on the opposition you'd send your kit man to watch training from behind a bush, not g..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, we just had to worry about the pitch being waterlogged and the ref being blind, not blooming international..." ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say 73% of football "scandals" generate more headlines than actual consequences, but do carry o..." ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say only 0.3% of non-league players ever reach the Premier League, so whilst it's lovely for Co..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, we didn't have "sagas" - we had players who either signed or didn't, and managers got on with it instead o..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me Arsenal's mystery departure could trigger a MASSIVE domino effect across Europe - bu..." ★ 💀 MO: "Everton really said "we can't buy Premier League quality so let's just poach the Championship's finest" 💀" ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say 73% of "surprise" football decisions were telegraphed weeks earlier by suspicious training ..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me this discount proves England are so confident of World Cup glory they're already flo..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me Arteta's gone absolutely mental in the transfer market - ten targets AND hijacking U..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, if you wanted to spy on the opposition you'd send your kit man to watch training from behind a bush, not g..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, we just had to worry about the pitch being waterlogged and the ref being blind, not blooming international..." ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say 73% of football "scandals" generate more headlines than actual consequences, but do carry o..." ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say only 0.3% of non-league players ever reach the Premier League, so whilst it's lovely for Co..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, we didn't have "sagas" - we had players who either signed or didn't, and managers got on with it instead o..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me Arsenal's mystery departure could trigger a MASSIVE domino effect across Europe - bu..." ★ 💀 MO: "Everton really said "we can't buy Premier League quality so let's just poach the Championship's finest" 💀" ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say 73% of "surprise" football decisions were telegraphed weeks earlier by suspicious training ..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me this discount proves England are so confident of World Cup glory they're already flo..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me Arteta's gone absolutely mental in the transfer market - ten targets AND hijacking U..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, if you wanted to spy on the opposition you'd send your kit man to watch training from behind a bush, not g..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, we just had to worry about the pitch being waterlogged and the ref being blind, not blooming international..." ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say 73% of football "scandals" generate more headlines than actual consequences, but do carry o..." ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say only 0.3% of non-league players ever reach the Premier League, so whilst it's lovely for Co..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, we didn't have "sagas" - we had players who either signed or didn't, and managers got on with it instead o..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me Arsenal's mystery departure could trigger a MASSIVE domino effect across Europe - bu..." ★ 💀 MO: "Everton really said "we can't buy Premier League quality so let's just poach the Championship's finest" 💀" ★ 📊 SARAH: "Actually, the numbers say 73% of "surprise" football decisions were telegraphed weeks earlier by suspicious training ..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me this discount proves England are so confident of World Cup glory they're already flo..." ★ 🚨 TERRY: "Sources close to sources tell me Arteta's gone absolutely mental in the transfer market - ten targets AND hijacking U..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, if you wanted to spy on the opposition you'd send your kit man to watch training from behind a bush, not g..." ★ 😤 ANDY: "In my day, we just had to worry about the pitch being waterlogged and the ref being blind, not blooming international..."

Match Reports

Post-match reactions and satirical match reports

LEADERBOARD · 728x90
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

Messi and Ronaldo Are Getting Their Own LEGO Figures and Honestly I Don't Know What Planet I'm Living on Anymore

LEGO releases World Cup mini-figures of Messi and Ronaldo. Andy Keys stares at the box, stares at his tea, and wonders what happened to football.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

Laporta Rages at FIFA Over Raphinha's Injury and Honestly, He Sounds Like Me After Every International Break Since 1987

Laporta is fuming about Raphinha's injury on international duty. Welcome to the club, Joan. I've been banging this drum since before you had hair gel.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

Donnarumma Cried After Italy Lost to Bosnia and Honestly Mate, Join the Club

Donnarumma says he cried with sadness after Italy lost to Bosnia. Andy Keys says if crying fixed football, he'd have won the Conference South by 2004.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

Steven Gerrard Told Salah to Leave Liverpool With Dignity and I Nearly Put My Foot Through the Telly

Gerrard advises Salah to leave Liverpool gracefully. Andy Keys wonders when Stevie G became a life coach and whether anyone remembers how HIS Liverpool exit went.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

BBC Sport Ask If Success Is Crucial for Player of the Season and I Genuinely Had to Read That Headline Three Times

BBC Sport's experts are debating whether success matters for player of the season. Andy Keys wonders when we stopped caring about actually winning football matches.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

Four Nations Are Making Their World Cup Debut and I Genuinely Had to Google Where One of Them Was

Four countries are heading to their first ever World Cup. Andy Keys had to get the atlas out. He's not proud of it. But he's got opinions anyway.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

Marc Skinner Asks Man United to Spend More Money and I Nearly Choked on My Digestive

Skinner wants Man United to spend more to compete in Europe. Mate, Chelsea spent £262 million more than they earned and they're pulling hair. Be careful what you wish for.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

FIFA's World Cup Ticket Site Crashes and Honestly I'm Shocked Anyone Expected It to Work

FIFA's ticket site crashes again and Andy Keys wants to know how an organisation that prints money can't keep a webpage online for five minutes.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

Italy's Sports Minister Tells Gravina to Resign and Honestly Someone Should've Said It Two World Cups Ago

Italy fail to qualify for a THIRD straight World Cup. Sports minister finally tells Gravina to go. Andy Keys says someone pass him a espresso because this is a full Italian tragedy.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports2 Apr

Bayern End Man United's Women's Champions League Run and Honestly It Was Like Watching My Old Side at Barnet

Man United's women got battered by Bayern in Munich and somehow people are calling it a "valuable learning experience." In my day we called that a defeat.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports1 Apr

Chelsea Have a Hair Pull Scandal and £262 Million in Losses and Somehow the Hair Pull Is the Bigger Story

Chelsea's coach slams refs after Arsenal hair pull incident in the Women's Champions League. Andy Keys says the refereeing is bad but Chelsea's entire existence is worse.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports1 Apr

England Need Kane for the World Cup and I Need a Stiff Drink After Watching That Japan Game

England lose to Japan at Wembley without Kane and everyone acts surprised. In my day, we knew what happened when you took your best striker out. You lost.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports1 Apr

Alexander Isak Returns to Training and Suddenly Everyone's Forgotten He Plays for Newcastle

Isak's back in training and the whole world acts like Liverpool just won the lottery. He still plays for Newcastle, lads. Last time I checked anyway.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports1 Apr

Chelsea Lose £262 Million and Somehow That's Not Even the Maddest Thing They Did This Week

Chelsea post the biggest pre-tax loss in Premier League history. £262.4 million gone. And they spent more on agents than anyone else. In my day, the agent was a bloke called Dave with a Nokia.

3 min read
Andy Keysmatch reports31 Mar

Lukaku Skips Training, Napoli Considering Hiring Private Investigator to Find Him

Romelu Lukaku's no-show at Napoli training has Andy Keys wondering if the Belgian striker has joined witness protection. Professional accountability? What's that?

3 min read

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