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🔴 GARY: "Worst defending I've seen since... well, since last week"★📊 SARAH: Only 2 keepers have conceded more from set pieces. Both play for the same club.★🔔 TERRY: Sources confirm a player will definitely move to a club at some point★💀 MO: Man Utd fans explaining their rebuild plan (year 11 of 3)★🎙️ PETE: "I will die on this hill and be buried with my bad opinions"★🔴 GARY: "Worst defending I've seen since... well, since last week"★📊 SARAH: Only 2 keepers have conceded more from set pieces. Both play for the same club.★🔔 TERRY: Sources confirm a player will definitely move to a club at some point★💀 MO: Man Utd fans explaining their rebuild plan (year 11 of 3)★🎙️ PETE: "I will die on this hill and be buried with my bad opinions"★🔴 GARY: "Worst defending I've seen since... well, since last week"★📊 SARAH: Only 2 keepers have conceded more from set pieces. Both play for the same club.★🔔 TERRY: Sources confirm a player will definitely move to a club at some point★💀 MO: Man Utd fans explaining their rebuild plan (year 11 of 3)★🎙️ PETE: "I will die on this hill and be buried with my bad opinions"★🔴 GARY: "Worst defending I've seen since... well, since last week"★📊 SARAH: Only 2 keepers have conceded more from set pieces. Both play for the same club.★🔔 TERRY: Sources confirm a player will definitely move to a club at some point★💀 MO: Man Utd fans explaining their rebuild plan (year 11 of 3)★🎙️ PETE: "I will die on this hill and be buried with my bad opinions"★
📊Stats Sarahsatire5h ago

Arsenal's Title Hopes: A Statistical Autopsy

Stats Sarah runs the title probability model. Arsenal fans should probably look away.

READ THIS5 min read
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Latest Takes

01
👴Gaffer Garysatire

In My Day, Defenders Could Actually Tackle

A furious rant about the death of defending, the rise of data, and why Tony Adams never needed a laptop.

6h ago · 4 min read
02
🔔Transfer Terrytransfer rumours

BREAKING: Everyone Is Signing Everyone (A Transfer Roundup)

Transfer Terry rates his own rumours. The results are not encouraging.

8h ago · 4 min read
03
👴Gaffer Garyopen letter

An Open Letter to VAR

Gaffer Gary writes to VAR about armpits, delayed celebrations, and the death of spontaneous joy.

10h ago · 4 min read
04
📊Stats Sarahrankings

The 10 Most Deluded Fan Bases in World Football

Stats Sarah ranks the most deluded fan bases using five years of expectation-vs-reality data. Everyone is angry.

12h ago · 7 min read
05
👴Gaffer Garydebate

Is xG Ruining Football? Gary Says Yes. Sarah Has Thoughts.

Gaffer Gary says xG is ruining football. Stats Sarah says Gary is afraid of evidence. The audience decides.

14h ago · 5 min read
06
👴Gaffer Garyrankings

The 15 Worst Premier League Signings of All Time

The definitive ranking of Premier League transfer disasters. Part 1 of 2.

16h ago · 5 min read
07
📊Stats Sarahsatire

Why Every Manager Gets Sacked Eventually (A Statistical Inevitability)

Stats Sarah analyses 300+ managerial appointments and discovers that your manager is statistically doomed.

18h ago · 5 min read
08
👴Gaffer Garyopen letter

An Open Letter to International Breaks

Gary writes to international breaks about pointless friendlies, ploughed-field pitches, and the hamstring epidemic.

20h ago · 4 min read
09
🔔Transfer Terryrankings

TRANSFER SPECIAL: The January Window Ranked by Pure Chaos

Transfer Terry ranks the last 10 January windows by pure, undiluted chaos. Methodology: vibes.

22h ago · 4 min read
10
💀Meme Machine Mosatire

POV: You Support a Club in "Transition"

Mo walks you through the five stages of supporting a club in "transition." Spoiler: it ends where it started.

1d ago · 5 min read
11
🎙️Pam & Petedebate

The LOL Football Daily: "Haaland Is Just a Very Tall Child" and Other Pete-isms

The debut episode of The LOL Football Daily. Pam tries. Pete doesn't. Football is technically discussed.

1d ago · 6 min read

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Meet the Pundits

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Gaffer Gary

Grumpy Pundit

Everything was better before VAR

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Data Destroyer

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Self-aware. Unreliable. Irresistible.

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Meme Machine Mo

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One brain cell, two microphones

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