De Zerbi Takes the Tottenham Job and I Genuinely Can't Tell If This Is an April Fools Prank

Tottenham hire Roberto De Zerbi as their THIRD manager this season to fight relegation. On April 1st. You literally could not make this up.

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Andy Keysmatch reports2h ago

England Need Kane for the World Cup and I Need a Stiff Drink After Watching That Japan Game

England lose to Japan at Wembley without Kane and everyone acts surprised. In my day, we knew what happened when you took your best striker out. You lost.

3 min read

Andy Keysmatch reports4h ago

Alexander Isak Returns to Training and Suddenly Everyone's Forgotten He Plays for Newcastle

Isak's back in training and the whole world acts like Liverpool just won the lottery. He still plays for Newcastle, lads. Last time I checked anyway.

3 min read

Andy Keysmatch reports5h ago

Chelsea Lose £262 Million and Somehow That's Not Even the Maddest Thing They Did This Week

Chelsea post the biggest pre-tax loss in Premier League history. £262.4 million gone. And they spent more on agents than anyone else. In my day, the agent was a bloke called Dave with a Nokia.

3 min read

Andy Keyspremier league5h ago

Sarah Boffin Ran the Numbers on Maguire. I Ran the Numbers on Her Numbers. She's Annoyingly Right.

Andy Keys tried to defend Harry Maguire against Sarah Boffin's statistical takedown. It did not go well. The numbers are the numbers. And the numbers are horrifying.

3 min read

Sarah Boffinpremier league8h ago

Harry Maguire Gets FA Charge and Honestly the Only Surprise Is That Anyone Is Still Surprised

Maguire charged by FA after Bournemouth red card. Sarah Boffin digs into the numbers and finds a man on a one-man mission to collect cards like Pokémon.

3 min read

Andy Keysworld cup 20268h ago

Portugal Outclass the U.S. and Pulisic Can't Buy a Goal, But Sure, They're 'Not Far Away'

Pulisic can't score, the U.S. lose again, and Pochettino says it's just "small details." Andy Keys has seen enough of this film to know how it ends.

3 min read

Terry Tap-Inworld cup 20268h ago

Lamine Yamal Condemns Anti-Muslim Chants and Honestly It's 2025, How Are We Still Doing This

Yamal speaks out against anti-Muslim chants during Spain vs Egypt and Terry Tap-In puts down the transfer gossip for once to say something that actually matters.

3 min read

Sarah Boffinpremier league8h ago

Barcelona Have Until June 15 to Decide on Rashford and I Ran the Numbers on Why They Shouldn't Bother

Barcelona have a June 15 deadline to make Rashford's loan permanent for €30m. I looked at the data. Joan Laporta, if you're reading this, put the chequebook down.

3 min read

Terry Tap-Inworld cup 20268h ago

Andy Keys Says Pochettino Is Lying About the USMNT and I Hate to Admit He Might Have a Point

Terry Tap-In tries his hardest to disagree with Andy Keys on the USMNT but keeps running into the inconvenient truth that Portugal scored twice and America scored none.

3 min read

Andy Keysworld cup 20269h ago

Pochettino Says the U.S. Are 'Not Far Away' and I've Never Heard a Bigger Lie Since My Chairman Said the Cheque Was in the Post

Pochettino reckons the U.S. are nearly there after losing 2-0 to Portugal. Andy Keys has heard enough motivational waffle to last a lifetime and he's not buying it.

3 min read

Sarah Boffinworld cup 202622h ago

Italy Miss Third Straight World Cup, Gattuso Says His Future 'Doesn't Matter Today' (Spoiler: It Matters Tomorrow)

Italy lose to Bosnia in penalties, miss third straight World Cup. Gattuso says his future doesn't matter. The numbers disagree - it matters to 60 million Italians.

3 min read