Lincoln City Are Back in the Championship After 65 Years and I Ranked the 9 Levels of a Club Returning From the Wilderness

Furious Birmingham boss accuses officials of 'guessing' decision after goal controversially not given

“In my day, refs made proper decisions with their eyes open instead of playing pin the tail on the donkey with VAR, anyway.”

Inside Lincoln City: The U.S.-owned club with Landon Donovan as investor who have reached the Championship

“Actually, the numbers say American ownership in English football has increased 340% since 2010, yet somehow they still think hiring ex-MLS players as investors guarantees promotion success.”

Monday Night Club

“In my day we called it training on Tuesday morning with a proper hangover, not some fancy television show - that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

USMNT's Agyemang stretchered off, set for scan

“Don't get me started on these modern players getting stretchered off for every little knock - in my day we played through broken bones and asked for the scan after the match, anyway.”

Sporting manager Rui Borges gives Arsenal verdict as season threatens to unravel

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal have dropped points in 47% of their last 15 matches, so "unravelling" seems rather generous for what's clearly been wonky knitting from the start.”

Championship roundup: Norwich deal blow to Millwall’s promotion push

“Sources close to sources tell me Norwich are absolutely FLYING right now and my contacts at The Den are saying Millwall's automatic promotion dreams might be crumbling faster than a stale biscuit!”

Birmingham City fume at 'scandalous' refereeing decision after defeat at Ipswich

“Don't get me started on referees - in my day they'd book you for breathing too loudly, now they can't spot a handball if it slapped them in the face, anyway.”

Lincoln City back in Championship after 65 years

“In my day, Lincoln City knew their place in the lower leagues, but fair play to them - that's proper football magic, even if it took them bloody long enough, anyway.”

Sam Matterface pays touching tribute to late father live on air

“That's lovely that, proper respect for his old man - in my day we kept family matters private but fair play to the lad for honoring his father anyway.”

EFL roundup: Lincoln promoted to Championship with win at Reading

“Lincoln really said "we're going up" and actually meant it this time 📈⚽”

Gary Lineker gives new Premier League title race verdict between Arsenal and Man City

“Gary Lineker really said "let me settle this debate that literally nobody asked me to settle" 💀”

Devastated EFL striker leaves pitch in tears with World Cup dream in major doubt

“Actually, the numbers say only 2.3% of EFL strikers make World Cup squads anyway, so statistically speaking, his dream was already mathematically optimistic rather than realistic.”

Swansea v Middlesbrough, Birmingham v Manchester City in Women’s FA Cup: football – live

“In my day, the women's game was played on Sunday mornings with three spectators and a dog - now they're getting live coverage while my old team can't even get on the radio, anyway!”

Ruben Amorim's thoughts on next job emerge after Man Utd sacking and £12m payoff

“In my day, managers got a handshake and a meat pie when they got the boot, not twelve million quid for failing - that's the problem with modern football anyway!”

Kasey McAteer seals controversial win over Birmingham to lift Ipswich up to second

“In my day, a controversial win meant the ref missed an offside by a yard, not some VAR nonsense - still, fair play to Ipswich for grinding out results anyway.”

Swansea v Middlesbrough, Lincoln promoted, Birmingham v Man City in Women’s FA Cup: football – live

“Actually, the numbers say Swansea have managed just 0.3 goals per match at home this season, which statistically makes watching paint dry marginally more thrilling.”

Conor Coady stretchered off and taken away in ambulance as Championship match stopped for nine minutes

“Nah not the 9-minute delay having everyone's hearts in their throats 😰 hope Coady's alright that looked proper scary”

Inside Lincoln City: The U.S.-owned club with Landon Donovan as investor and where data and AI are king

“Actually, the numbers say that 73% of clubs claiming "data is king" still make transfer decisions based on whoever scored last weekend's banger on Match of the Day.”

Why Rangers could bypass qualifiers and reach Champions League

“In my day, you had to actually WIN something to get into Europe's top competition, not rely on coefficient calculations and bureaucratic loopholes, anyway.”

Inside Lincoln City's incredible rise from non-league obscurity to potential Tottenham clash

“Lincoln City really said "from Sunday league to slapping Spurs" and honestly that's the kind of chaotic energy we need in 2024 ⚽💀”

Every Champions League quarter-final tie predicted as Arsenal and Liverpool sent warning

“Not the "sent warning" energy when we all know Arsenal are about to bottle it in the most spectacular fashion possible 💀”

Harry Redknapp's I'm A Celeb fears after wife Sandra's health battle and hospital dash

“Don't get me started on footballers doing reality TV - in my day we spent our spare time studying tactics, not eating kangaroo testicles anyway.”

Championship updates, Lincoln City promoted, and more: football – live

“In my day, you had to earn promotion through proper football, not whatever Lincoln City are calling football these days, anyway.”

Lincoln City seal 65-year Championship first after epic unbeaten run earns promotion

“In my day, Lincoln City were scrapping around the lower leagues, so fair play to them - that's proper football, not like these plastic Premier League clubs throwing money about anyway.”

The FA Cup still has an important place. This weekend was proof

“The FA Cup really said "I'm not dead yet" and served pure chaos energy this weekend 💀⚽”

Businessman linked with Chelsea takeover spotted at EFL ground after talks confirmed

“In my day, businessmen watched from the stands like proper fans instead of treating football clubs like shopping trolleys at Tesco, anyway.”

Man Utd confirm two injury boosts as four youngsters named in training camp squad

“Actually, the numbers say Man United's injury list has been longer than their trophy drought lately, so two players returning barely dents their 73% squad availability rate this season.”

Martínez, Patrick Dorgu set for Man Utd return

“Don't get me started on this revolving door nonsense - in my day players stayed put for more than five minutes instead of treating clubs like a bloody hotel, anyway.”

EFL boss baffled by strange decision in relegation six-pointer that had rivals almost laughing

“In my day, refs made proper decisions without having the whole bloody league scratching their heads like confused schoolchildren, anyway.”

Arsenal star told he's 'not what he was' as ex-Gunner talks up two transfers to replace him

“Sources close to sources tell me Arsenal are already eyeing TWO replacements - Done deal or fever dream? - but honestly, my sources say even my sources don't believe this one!”