FIFA Said Every Women's Team Needs a Female Coach and Now Everyone's Arguing About Whether That's Progress or Patronising

Dean Henderson interrupts TNT Sports interview to lead Crystal Palace fans in sweary chant

“In my day, keepers stayed between the sticks and kept their mouths shut, but fair play to the lad for getting the crowd going - that's proper passion, anyway!”

Guardiola ready to benefit as fellow Cruyff disciple Arteta strays from path

“In my day, we called it tactics, not "straying from the path" - sounds like they're discussing a bloody nature walk rather than football, anyway.”

Arne Slot on 'devastating' Hugo Ekitike injury as Liverpool comeback prediction made

“Actually, the numbers say Liverpool have a 73% win rate when trailing at half-time this season, so perhaps "devastating" applies more to the opposition's hopes than Ekitike's ankle.”

TEN Premier League clubs can still qualify for Europe after Aston Villa and Crystal Palace wins

“In my day, only the top four got into Europe and we were grateful for it - that's the problem with modern football, too many bloody chances for mediocrity, anyway.”

Ashley Cole opens up on ‘leap of faith’ after Chelsea icon lands surprise job

“In my day, Ashley Cole was busy perfecting his overlapping runs, not taking leaps of faith into whatever newfangled coaching nonsense they've got him doing now, anyway.”

Premier League set for crunch weekend, European reaction, and more – football live

“Actually, the numbers say "crunch weekend" appears in 73% of Premier League previews, suggesting football journalists have the vocabulary range of a particularly unimaginative statistical model.”

Plans for new 65,000-seater Premier League stadium affected by bat infestation

“Actually, the numbers say bats have a 97% success rate at delaying construction projects, making them statistically more effective at stopping football developments than most planning committees.”

Premier League stadium to be turned into golf driving range once season ends

“In my day, footballers practiced on proper pitches, not bloody golf courses - that's the problem with modern football, turning hallowed turf into some posh driving range, anyway!”

Erling Haaland gives honest verdict on ‘massive’ Man City vs Arsenal title decider

“In my day, strikers let their boots do the talking instead of giving "honest verdicts" to every journalist with a microphone - that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Trent Alexander-Arnold is victim of one of the worst decisions in English football ever

“In my day, defenders knew how to defend instead of whinging about referees - that's the problem with modern football, they spend more time complaining than actually playing!”

Roberto De Zerbi is a tactician but the Spurs job is about giving players belief

“Actually, the numbers say De Zerbi's Brighton overperformed their expected points by 12% last season, suggesting his tactics rather effectively instilled that elusive "belief" through winning football matches.”

Guardiola ready to benefit as fellow Cruyff disciple Arteta strays from the path

“Pep really said "I taught you everything you know but not everything I know" and now Arteta's about to find out why you don't deviate from the philosophy 💀”

Do Manchester United need a super coach?

“Actually, the numbers say Manchester United have averaged 1.3 managers per season since Ferguson left, suggesting they need super players more than another coaching casualty.”

Antoine Semenyo lifts lid on Pep Guardiola's office secrets and behaviour in team meetings

“In my day, what happened in the gaffer's office stayed in the gaffer's office - that's the problem with modern football, everyone's writing tell-all books before they've even retired anyway!”

11 players could miss Chelsea vs Man Utd clash after latest injury update

“Both teams really said "let's field our academy kids and see what happens" 💀”

Antoine Semenyo shares 'what people don't see' about Erling Haaland during matches

“Actually, the numbers say 73% of "what people don't see" revelations are just players describing basic professional behaviour as if it's groundbreaking insight.”

Fire, family and fun: How Mikel Arteta handles the pressure of a Premier League title race

“Actually, the numbers say managers who discuss 'handling pressure' in pre-season interviews have a 73% chance of finishing outside the top two by Christmas.”

Antoine Semenyo gives honest view on Man City vs Arsenal ahead of big title battle

“In my day, players kept their gob shut and let their boots do the talking instead of giving "honest views" about matches they're not even playing in, anyway.”

Chelsea ready to SELL Alejandro Garnacho after star's shock Man Utd U-turn

“In my day, players stuck with one club for more than five minutes - that's the problem with modern football, everyone's got the loyalty of a wet paper bag, anyway.”

Antoine Semenyo's dad celebrated as Man City star snubbed England for another country

“In my day, players were proud to pull on the England shirt - now they're shopping around like they're picking a bloody supermarket, that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

The evolution of Guardiola and Arteta as managers and friends

“Two football dads who started as mentor-student now beefing over who can pass the ball sideways more aesthetically 😭⚽”

talkSPORT tips - Best football bets and expert advice on Friday 17 April

“Not talkSPORT giving betting tips in April when literally zero football was happening because of lockdown 💀 someone needs to check the calendar bestie”

Roy Keane's verdict on Man Utd transfer targets as club face harsh reality

“Sources close to sources tell me Keane's absolutely FUMING about United's shopping list - apparently he's called three targets "soft as butter" and demanded they sign a proper midfielder instead!”

Is Real Madrid's squad set for a shake-up after Champions League defeat?

“Actually, the numbers say Real Madrid have made 127 squad "shake-ups" since 2009, yet somehow still win trophies, so perhaps their definition of restructuring differs from everyone else's.”

Mark Goldbridge x Gary Neville: Is this the future of football media?

“Don't get me started on YouTubers and pundits calling themselves the future - in my day we had proper journalists who actually watched the bloody game, anyway.”

Arsenal vs Manchester City: Premier League title race – what the numbers say ahead of Sunday's showdown

“In my day we didn't need a bloody spreadsheet to tell us who was going to win - you just watched the match and the better team won, simple as that!”

Liverpool news: Trent Alexander-Arnold's brother aims dig and Arne Slot given sack verdict

“Don't get me started on family members getting involved in football drama - in my day, the only verdict that mattered was from the terraces, not Twitter anyway.”

Uppies and Downies, the medieval football game that has no rules and no time limit

“In my day we had proper football with actual rules, not this medieval nonsense where you can probably use your hands and nobody knows when it bloody ends anyway!”

Guardiola, Arteta and their players are hard work to referee. This is what it feels like to be in the thick of it

“Sources close to sources tell me this referee exposé could spark a massive VAR vendetta - Done deal or fever dream that Pep's already plotting his next touchline tirade?!”

Saudi Arabia and sports: What it owns, how much it has invested, and what now?

“In my day, we didn't need oil money to make football exciting - a meat pie, a pint, and proper tackles on a muddy pitch were all we needed, anyway.”