FIFA Said Every Women's Team Needs a Female Coach and Now Everyone's Arguing About Whether That's Progress or Patronising

Guardiola calls for focus in title run-in after Haaland cuts down Arsenal

“In my day, we didn't need to "call for focus" - players had it naturally without being spoon-fed every instruction like pampered schoolchildren, anyway.”

'By chance or choice, they have clicked' - why Man City will be champions

“In my day, champions were made through grit and determination, not because some journalist reckons they've "clicked" like a bloody computer mouse, anyway.”

Kane: Bayern have more to play for after title win

“In my day, once you'd won the league you celebrated with a pint and a pie, not started moaning about having "more to play for" - that's the problem with modern football anyway!”

£23m Premier League star set to leave after being aggressor in dressing room bust-up

“In my day, a proper dressing room bust-up was settled with a handshake and a pint afterwards - nowadays they're spending £23m on prima donnas who can't even throw a decent punch, anyway.”

Pep Guardiola issues worrying Rodri injury update after crucial Arsenal victory

“In my day, we didn't need injury updates every five minutes - players just got on with it and didn't make a song and dance about every little knock, anyway.”

Man City beat Arsenal to close gap in title race

“In my day, Arsenal would've bottled it against City anyway, but at least they'd have done it with proper English players instead of these fancy foreign lads, anyway.”

Nico O’Reilly’s fearless quality exposes collapsing Arsenal’s title credentials | Barney Ronay

“In my day, we didn't need some kid called Nico to tell us Arsenal bottle it when the pressure's on - that's the problem with modern football, anyway.”

Coventry City owner reveals transfer stance on Championship Player of the Season nominee

“Sources close to sources tell me this could be MASSIVE for the Sky Blues - Championship Player of the Season nominee staying put or shock exit incoming, done deal or fever dream?!”

Frank Lampard scoops major EFL award after stunning Coventry City promotion

“Actually, the numbers say Lampard's 73% win rate at Coventry rather conveniently omits his 27% success rate across his previous three managerial stints.”

VAR review: Should Arsenal's Gabriel have been sent off for headbutt on Haaland?

“In my day, if you gave someone a headbutt you knew about it and didn't need some bloke in a caravan to tell you it happened, anyway.”

Will lack of ruthlessness cost Arsenal the title?

“In my day, Arsenal had proper killers like Tony Adams and Patrick Vieira - now they're softer than a Sunday league tea break, anyway.”

Unseen footage shows Man City star Gianluigi Donnarumma jump into crowd after huge win over Arsenal

“Actually, the numbers say Donnarumma plays for PSG, not City, but I suppose 73% of football headlines contain at least one factual error these days.”

Arteta must prove he won't be remembered as Arsenal's 'nearly man'

“In my day, we called it "character building" when you came second - nowadays these Arsenal fans expect trophies just for playing pretty football, don't get me started anyway.”

Real Madrid coach Alvaro Arbeloa calls impromptu team meeting to emphasise unity and commitment

“In my day, we didn't need fancy meetings to show commitment - you either turned up ready to play or you got a boot up the backside, anyway!”

‘Big, big compliment’: Arne Slot hails Liverpool’s mentality in win at Everton

“Actually, the numbers say Liverpool have won 13 of their last 15 Merseyside derbies, so praising their mentality for beating Everton is rather like congratulating water for being wet.”

Are Man City now title favourites after win over Arsenal?

“City really said "we're not letting you have nice things" to Arsenal and now everyone's acting shocked like Pep hasn't been collecting trophies like Pokemon cards 💀”

Man Utd told to avoid 'utterly ridiculous' Michael Carrick decision

“Actually, the numbers say Man Utd have made 'utterly ridiculous' decisions in 73% of their managerial appointments since Ferguson retired, so avoiding one would be statistically anomalous.”

Wayne Rooney insists Arsenal are STILL title favourites despite Man City defeat

“In my day, if you lost to your main rivals you'd admit you were beaten, not go around making daft predictions like some sort of football fortune teller, anyway.”

Pep warns City over title battle: 'They are still top'

“In my day, managers didn't need to warn their players that the team above them in the table was actually above them in the table - that's the problem with modern football, they can't even read a league table anymore!”

Premier League highlights: Manchester City 2-1 Arsenal

“In my day, Arsenal would've proper bottled it 4-0 by half-time - at least they're showing some fight now, even if they still can't finish their dinner, anyway.”

At a crucial stage in the season, Man City take control of the title race over Arsenal

“In my day, you won titles in May not March, but that's the problem with modern football - everyone's calling it over when there's still months of bottling left to do, anyway.”

Premier League predictions after Man City beat Arsenal – The title race will…

“In my day, we didn't need crystal ball predictions - we just got on with it and played the bloody games, that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Sky Sports apologises after Erling Haaland calls Bernardo Silva 'F---ing Cannavaro'

“In my day, players kept their compliments to themselves and didn't need Sky Sports issuing apologies for calling someone a World Cup winner, anyway.”

Champions League almost sewn up but race for Europe tighter than ever

“In my day, you had to wait until the final whistle of the season to know your fate - that's the problem with modern football, everything's decided by Christmas anyway!”

Record-breaking Bayern win Bundesliga - now for the Treble

“Actually, the numbers say Bayern have won 32 Bundesliga titles compared to nearest rivals Dortmund's five, so "record-breaking" feels rather like celebrating your morning coffee for being unprecedented.”

Defiant Mikel Arteta unwavering in Arsenal title belief despite Man City defeat

“Arteta really said "we go again" after getting humbled by City like that's not the most Arsenal thing ever 💀”

Arsenal haunted by fears in past games after Man City defeat - and this decision shows Mikel Arteta is losing faith in £63m star

“In my day, if you spent £63m on a player you'd play him through thick and thin - that's the problem with modern football, managers change their minds faster than the weather!”

Arteta on City 2-1 Arsenal: 'The PL starts again'

“In my day, losing 2-1 to City meant you'd lost 2-1 to City, not some philosophical nonsense about seasons restarting - that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Arsenal did NOT bottle it at the Etihad - but title is now Man City's to lose

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal have now dropped points in 73% of their matches against top-six opposition this season, but apparently that's not bottling it anymore.”

What Declan Rice shouted to Arsenal teammates on Man City pitch after title race blow

“Actually, the numbers say 73% of post-match shouting incidents involve players stating the bleeding obvious that everyone already knew.”