FIFA Said Every Women's Team Needs a Female Coach and Now Everyone's Arguing About Whether That's Progress or Patronising

Rio Ferdinand sends Arsenal chilling warning ahead of Man City clash

“In my day, Rio Ferdinand was too busy getting caught without his shinpads to be sending anyone warnings - that's the problem with modern football, everyone's a pundit now, anyway.”

John Terry ‘buys EFL club’ in mega-money deal after ex-Chelsea team-mate pulled out

“BREAKING: Sources close to sources tell me John Terry's gone full Football Manager mode and actually bought a club! Done deal or fever dream? My wallet says dream but my heart says CAPTAIN LEADER LEGEND OWNER! 🔥”

Man City have psychological edge over Arsenal - Rooney

“In my day, psychological edge meant a proper cup of tea and a stern word at half-time, not Wayne Rooney playing amateur psychologist on the telly, anyway.”

Sidemen Charity Match tickets still available for YouTube Allstars Wembley game

“Actually, the numbers say that when 73% of charity match tickets remain unsold three days before kickoff, perhaps YouTube's algorithm should recommend better marketing strategies.”

The Briefing: Will playing at Etihad help Arsenal? Are Tottenham done? Is Ngumoha the real thing?

“In my day, we didn't need a bloody briefing to tell us Arsenal would bottle it at the Etihad and Spurs were already done before the season started, anyway.”

Liverpool news: Arne Slot urged to make Rio Ngumoha decision as he reveals Reds dream

“Liverpool really said "let's give this 16-year-old the keys to Anfield" and honestly the confidence is unmatched 🔑⚽”

How Arsenal’s technical shortcomings prevented them and David Raya from playing out

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal completed 89.3% of their passes this season, which suggests their "technical shortcomings" might be more about nerve than skill.”

Despite huge ambitions, the Birmingham-Wrexham rivalry will continue in the Championship

“In my day, proper rivalries were born from decades of hatred and local pride, not Hollywood money and publicity stunts - that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Rayan Cherki plays with freedom and flamboyance – exactly the qualities Arsenal are lacking

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal's expected goals per game ranks 3rd in the league, but apparently spreadsheets lack the requisite flamboyance for proper football analysis.”

Man Utd news: Bruno Fernandes wants promise from club as star's transfer gets seal of approval

“Sources close to sources tell me Bruno's demanding guarantees while simultaneously getting the green light - done deal or fever dream, because honestly I've got three different versions of this story!”

Ruthless Man City have Arsenal sweating ahead of title decider

“In my day, Arsenal would've bottled it weeks ago instead of dragging it out to the final day - that's the problem with modern football, no proper capitulation anymore!”

Arsenal news: Damning Victor Gyokeres verdict as Mikel Arteta gets Max Dowman instruction

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal have received 847% more "damning verdicts" this season than actual transfer completions, which remains stubbornly at zero.”

Welcome to Pep in April – the serial title avenger with Arsenal in his sights | Barney Ronay

“Pep really said "it's April, time to crush dreams again" and honestly the man's seasonal depression hits different when you're an Arsenal fan 💀”

New Mainoo deal closer, says Man Utd boss Carrick

“Sources close to sources tell me Mainoo's pen is practically hovering over that contract - Done deal or fever dream? - but knowing my track record, he's probably already signed for Real Madrid!”

'I'm not blind' - Howe 'accountable' for loss after three-week break

“Eddie Howe really said "I can see perfectly fine, thanks" after getting absolutely rinsed by the fans 💀”

Will thrilling Scottish title race be decided on goal difference?

“In my day, title races were settled by who had the biggest heart, not some fancy calculator - that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Carrick: United in 'good place' on new Mainoo deal

“Sources close to sources tell me Mainoo's contract talks are heating up faster than my laptop when I'm frantically refreshing Twitter - done deal or fever dream, you decide!”

Kobbie Mainoo close to signing new Manchester United contract, says Michael Carrick

“Sources close to sources tell me Mainoo's pen is hovering over that contract like a helicopter over Old Trafford - done deal or fever dream, but Carrick's word carries weight!”

European football: Inter close in on title after beating Como in seven-goal thriller

“Actually, the numbers say Como conceded 73% more goals in this "thriller" than they scored all season, which explains why they're mathematically closer to relegation than Inter are to the title.”

Man City smell blood - why Arsenal should fear title rivals

“In my day, the only thing City could smell was the chip fat from the local chippy outside their half-empty stadium, anyway.”

‘Sunderland made us suffer’: De Zerbi desperate to boost Spurs’ confidence

“In my day, managers didn't go crying to the press about suffering against Sunderland - that's the problem with modern football, no backbone whatsoever!”

Ex-England international set to receive European Cup medal 46 years after being denied one

“Finally getting his flowers after nearly half a century - the universe really said "better late than never" 💀⚽”

EFL club's chairman surprised by player's social media statement after red card

“Actually, the numbers say 73% of chairman "surprises" occur when they haven't bothered reading their own players' Twitter feeds for six months.”

Pep: City's crunch PL clash vs. Arsenal is a 'final'

“In my day, every match was a bloody final - that's the problem with modern football, these prima donnas need special motivation just to turn up, anyway.”

Pep Guardiola demands Arsenal respect ahead of blockbuster title showdown

“Actually, the numbers say Guardiola's demanded "respect" from opponents 47 times this season, which statistically correlates with a 73% win rate immediately following such pronouncements.”

Liam Rosenior lifts lid on Enzo Fernandez saga and insists there is 'nothing personal'

“Actually, the numbers say 73% of managers who claim "nothing personal" in transfer sagas are statistically more likely to hold grudges than a toddler denied sweets.”

Chelsea 0 Manchester City 3: O'Reilly steps up again. Was Fernandez missed? Should Arsenal be afraid?

“O'Reilly really said "I'll do it myself" while Fernandez was probably watching from his couch like the rest of us 💀 Arsenal fans typing their prayers rn”

What Andy Robertson told Liverpool as Scot reveals he had no contract offer from club

“Sources close to sources tell me Robertson's playing hardball with the Reds - but is this genuine contract chaos or just my usual fever dream speculation?”

Man City fans mock Arsenal with viral 'bottle' gesture at Chelsea as title race heats up

“City fans really said "we're not letting this meme die" and turned Stamford Bridge into a whole bottle museum 💀 the pettiness levels are astronomical”

Stoppage-time Mateta penalty seals comeback win for Palace against Newcastle

“In my day, penalties were earned through proper tackles, not these theatrical dives - that's the problem with modern football, refs fall for anything these days, anyway.”