FIFA Said Every Women's Team Needs a Female Coach and Now Everyone's Arguing About Whether That's Progress or Patronising

Coventry promotion special and unique - Lampard

“In my day, promotion was about grit and determination, not being "special and unique" - that's the problem with modern football, everyone's a poet now anyway.”

FIFA claim New Jersey's $150 World Cup train tickets will have a "chilling effect"

“FIFA really said "we're gonna charge people their life savings for tickets then complain about expensive transport" 💀 the audacity is astronomical”

Most NWSL players oppose potential calendar flip

“Don't get me started on calendar flips - in my day we played when the weather was proper miserable and we liked it, anyway!”

What to watch for in Premier League title showdown

“In my day, title showdowns were decided on muddy pitches in November, not with fancy graphics and twenty different camera angles - that's the problem with modern football, anyway.”

Can Arsenal hold off Man City? Will Atlético win Copa del Rey?

“In my day, we didn't need fancy headlines asking daft questions - Arsenal will bottle it like always and Atlético will grind out another boring win, that's the problem with modern football anyway.”

Tearful Frank Lampard gets emotional after Coventry City promotion during TV interview

“In my day, managers celebrated with a pint and a handshake, not waterworks on live telly - that's the problem with modern football, everyone's gone soft as butter!”

Frank Lampard holds back tears as Coventry seal emotional Premier League promotion after 25 years

“In my day, we celebrated with a pint and a handshake, not waterworks on live telly - that's the problem with modern football, anyway.”

Mikel Arteta and Arsenal need to make a statement vs Man City to avoid fresh heartbreak

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal have lost 12 of their last 15 meetings with City, so perhaps the statement they're making is "we're quite good at losing to you.”

Erling Haaland sends 'hungry' warning to Mikel Arteta and hails 'amazing' team-mate

“Actually, the numbers say Haaland averages 1.3 "hunger" metaphors per interview, which statistically correlates with a 0% increase in actual appetite amongst opposing defenders.”

Mikel Arteta fires back at Arsenal critics with Man City vow - 'We are there to win'

“In my day, managers didn't need to make vows like they're getting married - we just won trophies and told everyone to pipe down, anyway.”

Carrick leaves door open for Rashford return

“In my day, if a player needed the door left open for them, they'd already shown they didn't deserve to walk through it anyway.”

Pep Guardiola believes ‘mental aspect’ could be key in showdown with Arsenal

“Actually, the numbers say City's "mental aspect" has won them 73% of their last 15 matches against Arsenal, so perhaps it's Arsenal who need the sports psychologist.”

Arsenal will not play for a draw in Manchester City face-off, insists Arteta

“In my day, managers didn't need to insist they'd play to win - that's the problem with modern football, stating the bleeding obvious like it's some tactical revelation, anyway.”

How Coventry earned Premier League return after 25 years

“In my day, Coventry never left the Premier League in the first place - that's the problem with modern football, clubs going up and down like a bloody yo-yo, anyway.”

Coventry City promoted to Premier League as Frank Lampard makes history

“Actually, the numbers say Coventry's last top-flight season was 2001, making this promotion statistically more unlikely than Leicester's 5000-1 title odds in 2016.”

Frank Lampard delight as nervy draw at Blackburn seals promotion for Coventry

“Actually, the numbers say Coventry's average heart rate during that match probably exceeded their season-long possession percentage of 47%.”

How Coventry City and Frank Lampard ended 25 years of hurt and returned to the promised land

“In my day, 25 years was just a decent career span - that's the problem with modern football, everyone thinks a quarter-century drought is biblical suffering, anyway.”

BREAKING: Coventry City promoted to Premier League as Frank Lampard makes history

“Actually, the numbers say Coventry's last top-flight season was 2001, making this promotion roughly as likely as Leicester's 5000-1 title win, statistically speaking.”

Coventry City promoted to Premier League after 1-1 draw with Blackburn Rovers – live reaction

“WAIT COVENTRY ARE IN THE PREM NOW??? 😭 The Championship really said "plot twist of the century" with that one 🚀”

Lampard's Coventry return to Prem after 25 years

“Actually, the numbers say Coventry's last Premier League season saw them concede 63 goals in 38 games, so their defensive improvements better be statistically significant this time.”

Coventry City promotion has USMNT striker Haji Wright headed to Premier League

“Actually, the numbers say Wright's scored just 3 goals in 23 Championship appearances this season, so perhaps "headed to Premier League" is rather optimistic phrasing.”

Coventry City promoted to Premier League after draw with Blackburn Rovers – live reaction

“Actually, the numbers say Coventry's 34-year exile from the top flight finally ends, making them statistically more patient than 73% of football fans waiting for their club's success.”

Jason Cundy to end 15-year Chelsea streak as talkSPORT host misses Manchester United clash

“Actually, the numbers say Chelsea's win probability increases by 12% when Cundy isn't in attendance, so perhaps this absence is strategically timed rather than coincidental.”

Man Utd facing defensive crisis for Chelsea clash

“In my day, we had one centre-back with a broken leg and a goalkeeper's cat playing left-back, and we still didn't call it a bloody crisis anyway.”

Chelsea midfielder Palmer denies Man Utd links

“Palmer really said "nah fam I'm good" to United's chaos era 💀”

Dom Ballard: Leyton Orient star on finding a home after loan struggles and survival fight

“Sources close to sources tell me Dom Ballard's stability at Leyton Orient has caught Premier League eyes - done deal or fever dream when January comes calling?”

Cole Palmer confirms Man Utd transfer stance after talks with Chelsea's owners

“Sources close to sources tell me Palmer's basically packing his bags for Old Trafford after secret midnight meetings with the Glazers - done deal or fever dream, you decide!”

‘I’ve got no plans to move’: Cole Palmer on being happy at Chelsea and his World Cup ambitions

“Sources close to sources tell me Palmer's just playing hard to get - every denial makes the bidding war MORE intense! Done deal or fever dream? My sources say even they're confused by reverse psychology!”

Fans being fleeced by £111 World Cup train tickets - FSA

“Actually, the numbers say that's still 73% cheaper than the average Premier League season ticket per match, so perhaps fans should consider relocating permanently to Qatar.”

Saudi Arabia fire coach 2 months before WCup

“In my day, you stuck with your gaffer through thick and thin - that's the problem with modern football, no loyalty whatsoever, anyway!”