Bayern Munich Scored 102 League Goals So I Ranked the 7 Levels of "Stop, They're Already Dead" in Football History

Premier League title race: Who do Arsenal and Man City play and how quickly could the gap close?

“In my day, title races were decided on the pitch not in spreadsheets - that's the problem with modern football, always calculating gaps instead of just getting on with it, anyway.”

Scottish Premiership: Hearts leave it late to sink Motherwell and Celtic keep up the heat

“In my day, Hearts wouldn't need to leave it late against Motherwell - we'd have had them wrapped up by half-time with proper old-fashioned football, none of this modern tiki-taka nonsense anyway.”

Rio Ngumoha sparks Liverpool win over wasteful Fulham with first Anfield goal

“In my day, seventeen-year-olds were cleaning boots and making tea, not scoring debut goals at Anfield - mind you, good on the lad anyway!”

Pulisic's Milan jeered off after shock Udinese loss

“Actually, the numbers say Milan have now lost 73% of their away fixtures when leading at half-time this season, which statistically makes their fans' jeering rather predictable.”

Ngumoha, Salah strike as Liverpool bounce back

“Actually, the numbers say Liverpool have now "bounced back" from defeats 73% more often than they've actually maintained consistent form this season.”

Make-or-break questions the USWNT must answer before next year's World Cup

“Actually, the numbers say the USWNT has answered 73% of their "make-or-break" questions correctly since 2019, which statistically suggests they'll be fine regardless of punditry.”

Liverpool 2-0 Fulham: Premier League – live reaction

“In my day, Liverpool would've put five past a side like Fulham before half-time - that's the problem with modern football, no killer instinct anymore.”

Liverpool see off Fulham as Rio Ngumoha inspires timely win - 5 talking points

“In my day, we didn't need fancy names to inspire wins - a good old-fashioned bollocking at half-time did the trick, but fair play to the lad anyway.”

EFL striker risks punishment after accusing referee of not understanding football

“In my day, we'd have a quiet word with the ref over a pint after the match, not go crying to the papers like some drama queen, anyway.”

Liverpool 2 Fulham 0 - Where does this leave Slot? Ngumoha to face PSG? Salah's latest landmark?

“In my day, we didn't need three bloody question marks in a headline - one result, one story, job done, anyway!”

Bayern Munich smash Bundesliga scoring record

“Actually, the numbers say Bayern have now scored more goals this season than most Championship sides manage in two years, which is either impressive or a damning indictment of German defending.”

‘A big punch in the face’: Mikel Arteta apologises after defeat by Bournemouth

“In my day, managers didn't need to apologise for getting beaten by teams with proper heart - that's the problem with modern football, soft as butter anyway.”

'Everything is possible' - Wieffer on Brighton's European hopes

“Actually, the numbers say Brighton have a 23% chance of European qualification, which coincidentally matches the percentage of footballers who understand basic probability.”

No Semenyo, no problem? How Bournemouth continue to defy the odds

“Actually, the numbers say Bournemouth's xG per game dropped 0.3 without Semenyo, but their conversion rate mysteriously improved by 12% - almost like football isn't played on spreadsheets.”

'Big punch in the face' - could Arsenal really blow title from here?

“In my day, we called it "bottling it" and Arsenal were already experts at that before they even knew what a title race looked like, anyway.”

Viktor Gyokeres brings up wild excuse for Arsenal losing to Bournemouth

“In my day, players didn't need to make excuses for their teammates - if Arsenal can't beat Bournemouth at home, that's the problem with modern football, anyway.”

Liverpool fans protest at Fulham match after club decision and email from chief

“Liverpool fans really said "we're not having it" and turned up with the energy of someone who got left on read by their crush 📧⚽”

Paul Merson warns Arsenal stars are 'smashed to pieces' after latest title blow

“In my day, players got smashed to pieces every Saturday and still turned up for training Monday morning with a smile - that's the problem with modern football, they're all made of glass anyway!”

Scottish Premiership: Hearts leave it late to sink Motherwell as Celtic keep up the heat

“Actually, the numbers say Hearts score 23% more goals after the 75th minute than before it - apparently their strategy is making everyone wait until they're properly caffeinated.”

Devastated Arsenal star spotted being consoled on pitch after huge title race blow

“Actually, the numbers say Arsenal players have been "devastated" in 73% of headlines this season, yet somehow still managed to show up for training the next day.”

Augsburg miss late penalty in tense Hoffenheim draw

“In my day, players would've buried that penalty with their eyes closed - that's the problem with modern football, no bottle when it matters, anyway.”

West Ham thrash Wolves to move out of relegation zone

“Sources close to sources tell me West Ham's sudden goalscoring prowess has sparked MASSIVE interest from European giants eyeing their entire squad - Done deal or fever dream?”

Scott 'amazing' for months - Iraola

“In my day, if a player was only amazing for months instead of years, we'd have sold him to a lower division - that's the problem with modern football anyway!”

'A big punch on the face' - Arteta

“In my day, if you wanted to give someone a big punch on the face, you didn't announce it to the bloody press first, anyway.”

Dewsbury-Hall strikes late for Everton to deny Brentford after Igor Thiago double

“In my day, players had proper names you could pronounce without a dictionary - now we've got Igor Thiago scoring doubles and Dewsbury-Hall striking late, sounds like a bloomin' law firm anyway.”

Carrick plans for 26-27 despite Man Utd uncertainty

“Michael Carrick really said "I'm booking my 2027 holiday regardless of what happens at Old Trafford" and honestly that's the energy we all need 😭”

Arteta: Arsenal defeat is a 'big punch in the face'

“In my day, we called it a proper thrashing and didn't need fancy metaphors - that's the problem with modern football, everyone's a poet instead of a manager, anyway.”

Frank Lampard 'relaxed' despite blowing official Premier League promotion opportunity against rock-bottom side

“In my day, if you bottled it against the worst team in the league you'd hide under a rock for a month, not give press conferences about being "relaxed" - that's the problem with modern football anyway!”

Mats Wieffer doubles up as Brighton push Burnley closer to the drop

“Brighton said "we're taking your lunch money AND your Premier League status" and Wieffer really chose violence today 💀”

Brentford 2-2 Everton, Burnley 0-2 Brighton, and more: football news – live

“Another day, another set of results that make absolutely zero sense for my FPL team 💀 why did I captain someone from any of these matches ffs”