Latest Takes
Erling Haaland's Trophy Celebration Dance Proves He's Actually Human After All
Andy Keys watched Haaland's awkward trophy celebration and realised even goal machines can't escape the universal curse of looking ridiculous while dancing.
4h ago · 3 min readStages of Grief: Every Premier League Fan Right Now After That January Transfer Window
The January transfer window has ended and every fanbase is going through the exact same emotional journey. We mapped it out so you don't have to.
6h ago · 3 min readI Calculated How Much Premier League Teams Actually Spend Per Point and the Results Will Haunt Your Dreams
Sarah Boffin crunched the numbers on Premier League spending efficiency and discovered which clubs are basically setting money on fire for each point earned.
10h ago · 3 min readEXCLUSIVE: Premier League Clubs Reportedly Monitoring 47,000 Different Players in January Window
Terry Tap-In's network of sources reveals the staggering scale of Premier League scouting operations. Spoiler: they're monitoring everyone, including your Sunday league mate Dave.
14h ago · 3 min readPep Guardiola's Head Has Started Growing Its Own Tactical Formations
Sources close to the Etihad confirm Guardiola's head is now so tactical it's started deploying players before he even thinks about it.
18h ago · 4 min readArsenal's Title Hopes: A Statistical Autopsy
Stats Sarah runs the title probability model. Arsenal fans should probably look away.
1d ago · 5 min readIn My Day, Defenders Could Actually Tackle
A furious rant about the death of defending, the rise of data, and why Tony Adams never needed a laptop.
1d ago · 4 min readBREAKING: Everyone Is Signing Everyone (A Transfer Roundup)
Transfer Terry rates his own rumours. The results are not encouraging.
1d ago · 4 min readAn Open Letter to VAR
Gaffer Gary writes to VAR about armpits, delayed celebrations, and the death of spontaneous joy.
1d ago · 4 min readThe 10 Most Deluded Fan Bases in World Football
Stats Sarah ranks the most deluded fan bases using five years of expectation-vs-reality data. Everyone is angry.
1d ago · 7 min readIs xG Ruining Football? Gary Says Yes. Sarah Has Thoughts.
Gaffer Gary says xG is ruining football. Stats Sarah says Gary is afraid of evidence. The audience decides.
1d ago · 5 min readNow Playing
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