Right. So Ollie Watkins just casually dropped in an interview with Kelly Somers that he's been messaging Michael Owen. For advice. During the toughest season of his career. And everyone just moved on like that's normal behaviour. 💀

No. We need to talk about this. Because sliding into Michael Owen's DMs when your form has fallen off a cliff is one of the most fascinatingly chaotic decisions a professional footballer has ever made in public. This is cinema.

It got me thinking. What are the most dangerous DMs a struggling footballer can send? Who are the absolute worst people to text when you're going through it? I've ranked them. You're welcome.

7. Messaging a pundit who rates you (Danger Level: 🟢 Low)

This is basically therapy. You text someone like Ian Wright or Thierry Henry, they gas you up, tell you you're class, remind you of your best goals. You feel better for 45 minutes. Harmless. Honestly this should be available on the NHS.

6. Messaging a pundit who DOESN'T rate you (Danger Level: 🟡 Medium)

POV: you're a striker on a seven game drought and you text Gary Neville asking what you're doing wrong. He sends you a 14 minute voice note breaking down your movement and finishes with "but you'll never be world class." You don't sleep for three days. Risky but at least it's honest. 😭

5. Messaging your old manager (Danger Level: 🟡 Medium)

Could go either way. If it's a manager who loved you, you get a nice motivational speech. If it's a manager who sold you, you get left on read. Either outcome is character building. Or character destroying. Thin line.

4. Messaging a rival player (Danger Level: 🟠 High)

Imagine you're struggling at Villa and you text someone at a rival club like "how do you stay confident?" and two weeks later it leaks on Football Twitter. Your group chat is finished. Your legacy is finished. The memes write themselves. Absolutely not worth the risk. ⚽

3. Messaging an agent who isn't yours (Danger Level: 🟠 High)

You think you're just having a casual chat. Next thing you know, Fabrizio Romano is tweeting "Here we go!" about a transfer you never agreed to and your current club's fans are burning your shirt outside the stadium. Every single time. No exceptions.

2. Messaging a retired player who now has a podcast (Danger Level: 🔴 Very High)

Brother. BROTHER. Anything you say will be content within 72 hours. "Yeah Ollie texted me actually and he said..." followed by your private thoughts being dissected by three blokes in a studio in Salford. This is a trap and it always has been. 🔥

1. Messaging Michael Owen (Danger Level: 🔴🔴🔴 MAXIMUM)

And here we are. The pinnacle. Because what exactly is Michael Owen going to tell you? "Score more goals"? The man went from Ballon d'Or contender to the most memed pundit on British television. He's going to tell you about horse racing within four messages. He's going to send you a tip for the 3:15 at Cheltenham when you asked about your pressing triggers. 💀

And the WILDEST part? Watkins openly admitted this. In a recorded interview. On camera. To a BBC journalist. He wanted people to know. That's either supreme confidence or a man who has genuinely stopped caring what happens next.

Ollie mate. You averaged 19 goals a season for two years. You scored in a Euros semi final. You do NOT need to be in Michael Owen's inbox at 11pm on a Tuesday asking how to get your mojo back.

Unless Owen actually gave him elite advice and Watkins bangs in 10 goals before the season ends. In which case I take it all back and we need to get Michael Owen a coaching badge immediately.

No caption needed. 😭