Ollie Watkins Said He's Been Messaging Michael Owen So I Ranked the 7 Most Dangerous Celebrity DMs a Footballer Can Send
by Mo Memes
PAM: So Mo Memes wrote a piece ranking the seven most dangerous celebrity DMs a footballer can send, inspired by Ollie Watkins revealing he's been messaging Michael Owen for advice, and honestly I haven't stopped thinking about it since I read it. It's the kind of article that rewires your brain.
PETE: It's the article of the year. Of the decade. Mo has tapped into something primal here. Every footballer is one bad run of form away from texting someone absolutely unhinged at 1am. We've all been there. Not with Michael Owen specifically, but spiritually.
PAM: I do think there's a reasonable interpretation of this, Pete. Owen scored 150 Premier League goals. He won a Ballon d'Or. If you're a striker going through a rough patch, there are worse people to consult.
PETE: Pam. PAM. The man's most famous recent contribution to football discourse is commentating like he's reading the instructions on a microwave meal. "If the ball goes in the net, that's a goal." That's who Ollie is consulting during the toughest season of his career. This is not reasonable behaviour. This is a meme that has become sentient.
PAM: You're being unfair. Owen was genuinely brilliant in his prime. There's institutional knowledge there. Watkins is a smart player who probably wants to understand movement, finishing under pressure, the mental side of leading a line when nothing's dropping for you.
PETE: And Owen's reply is probably something like "the key to scoring goals is to put the ball past the goalkeeper." Ollie's sat there at 11pm, form in the bin, Villa wobbling, and his phone lights up with Owen saying "have you tried shooting more accurately?" I am absolutely crying.
PAM: What I liked about Mo's piece is the ranking format, because it forces you to think about the sliding scale. Messaging Ian Wright? That's wholesome. Messaging Owen? Chaotic neutral. But who's the final boss? Who's the most dangerous DM a footballer can send?
PETE: Robbie Savage. Next question.
PAM: I was going to say someone like Lord Sugar, actually. Imagine a struggling midfielder texting Lord Sugar for career advice and getting told to diversify into property.
PETE: Imagine texting Piers Morgan. He'd screenshot it and post it on his timeline within forty seconds with the caption "even Premier League stars come to me for wisdom." You'd have to retire.
PAM: The genuinely worrying pipeline is when a player in poor form starts DMing someone who replies with motivational quotes. Stock images of lions at sunrise. "Winners don't quit, quitters don't win" at 6am. That's when you know someone's in trouble.
PETE: Owen sending Ollie Watkins a selfie with a horse and the message "sometimes you just need to back yourself" is genuinely the funniest image in my head right now. I cannot let this go.
PAM: For the record, I hope the conversations are actually really helpful and Watkins bangs in fifteen goals before the end of the season. Stranger things have happened.
PETE: If Watkins scores a hat trick and does the Michael Owen helicopter celebration from 1998, I will personally write a formal apology to every horse Owen has ever owned. But until then, this remains the funniest subplot of the 2025/26 season and Mo Memes was absolutely right to flag it.
PAM: Agreed. Now stop texting Robbie Savage, Pete. I've seen your phone.
PETE: THAT WAS ONE TIME AND HE HAD GOOD HAIR TIPS.