BREAKING (and I use that word loosely): Pep Guardiola, the greatest tactical mind of his generation, the man who can see a pressing trigger from fourteen dimensions simultaneously, the coach who once adjusted a defensive line based on the barometric pressure in Salford, has announced that he simply DOES NOT KNOW whether Bernardo Silva is staying at Manchester City.

Sources close to sources tell me this is the footballing equivalent of your mum saying "I don't mind where we eat" and then vetoing every suggestion for forty minutes. Pep knows. He always knows. The man knows what Rodri is going to have for breakfast next Thursday. But sure, Bernardo's future? Complete mystery. Baffling. Unsolvable riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a bald fraud's turtleneck.

This got me thinking, though. Because Pep isn't the first manager to deploy the "I simply do not have that information" defence, and he won't be the last. So I've done what any serious journalist would do and ranked the seven types of manager who conveniently "doesn't know" anything.

7. The Genuine Innocent. This manager truly, honestly doesn't know what's happening. He found out about his own sacking from a Sky Sports notification. He learns about new signings when they turn up to training. He is usually managing in League One and his name is always something like Keith. Probability of this being Pep: 0%.

6. The Strategic Ignorer. This manager knows exactly what's happening but has decided that acknowledging reality would be "a distraction." If you don't say it out loud, it isn't true. This is the same logic that led me to ignore three parking tickets in 2019. It did not work for me. It somehow always works for elite football managers.

5. The Passive Aggressive Diplomat. "I don't know if he wants to stay. You'd have to ask him. I can only control what I can control. Which is everything. I control everything. But not this. Definitely not this." This one's a classic Pep move. He's telling Bernardo, the board, and Barcelona all at once that he's noticed, he's hurt, and someone's going to pay for it in a team meeting that lasts four hours.

4. The Contract Leverage Artist. By saying he doesn't know, Pep is essentially putting the ball in the club's court. "Sort it out or lose him, lads. Don't look at me. I'm just here to coach." This is negotiation via press conference, and honestly, I respect the hustle.

3. The Already Moved On. This manager has already identified the replacement, agreed personal terms with a 19 year old Portuguese wonderkid, and is currently watching compilation videos titled "NEXT BERNARDO?? Skills & Goals 2025/26 (4K Despacito Remix)." The "I don't know" is theatre. The PowerPoint is already done.

2. The Emotional Hostage Taker. "I don't know if he's leaving" is code for "Bernardo, if you're reading this, remember what we have. Remember the treble. Remember that hug after the 93rd minute goal. You wouldn't leave me, would you? WOULD YOU?" Footballing guilt trip. Peak management.

1. The Pep Special. A category that exists for one man only. This is where you somehow combine all six previous types into one cryptic press conference answer that leaves everyone more confused than when they started. Bernardo could be staying, leaving, or ascending to a higher plane of existence. Nobody knows. That's the point. Pep has turned not knowing into a tactical system, and it's got more layers than his back four.

My genuine prediction? Sources close to sources tell me Bernardo will do what every Pep player does: spend six months flirting with Barcelona, sign a new contract, and then get deployed as a false right back in a Champions League semi final. The cycle is eternal. The turtleneck endures.

If I'm wrong, I'll eat my lanyard. Again.