Terry Tap-In
Right, so Andy Keys wrote that Donnarumma crying after Italy's loss to Bosnia was somehow peak modern football softness, and I sat down fully prepared to disagree with every syllable because that is essentially my job and also my personality. I had my counterarguments ready. I had my righteous indignation warmed up. I had a nice little paragraph about the beauty of vulnerability in elite sport all typed out and everything.
Then I deleted it. Because, and I genuinely need you to understand how much pain this causes me, Andy Keys is not entirely wrong. Not FULLY right, mind you. Let's not go mad. But the man has, against all known laws of probability, stumbled into the general vicinity of a reasonable point.
Look. I am absolutely, categorically not going to sit here and mock a bloke for crying. Donnarumma is allowed to cry. You're allowed to cry. I cried last Tuesday because I dropped a full bag of Doritos face down on the kitchen floor and the dog got to them before I did. Emotions are valid, as the kids say.
BUT. And this is a load-bearing but. Italy have now failed to qualify for THREE of the last four World Cups. Three! At some point the tears need to stop and someone needs to sit down with a whiteboard and work out why a country of 60 million people, a country that practically invented defending, a country whose Sunday league games are probably more tactically sophisticated than most Premier League matches, keeps getting bounced by nations with populations smaller than Greater Manchester.
That's where Andy almost loses me though. His whole "in my day we bottled it up and got stomach ulcers" routine. Mate. You can see him catching himself mid-sentence, realising he's about to accidentally advocate for toxic masculinity, and swerving at the last second like a drunk driver spotting a speed camera. Classic Keys. Never quite commits to the bad take. Just sort of wafts past it suggestively.
Here's where I come in with my ACTUAL expertise, which as we all know is completely baseless transfer gossip. You want to know why Italy keep losing? Because half their best players are being linked with moves every five minutes and nobody can concentrate. I've personally written at least fourteen stories this year about Italian internationals being "spotted near airports" and I'd like to think I've played my part in destabilising the national team. You're welcome, Bosnia.
But seriously. Donnarumma is a generational talent trapped in a cursed timeline. The man won Euro 2020, peaked at 22, and has been watching the entire project collapse around him ever since. Of COURSE he cried. I'd cry. I'd ugly cry. I'd do the full-body, floor-rolling, can't-breathe cry that I normally reserve for when my sources ghost me after promising me a "confirmed exclusive."
So where does this leave us? Andy Keys is roughly 60% correct, which is the highest accuracy rate he's achieved since he correctly predicted it would rain on a Tuesday in November. Donnarumma is allowed to be sad. Italy need to have a word with themselves. And I need to go and lie in a dark room because agreeing with Andy Keys has given me a migraine that I fear may be permanent.
If anyone needs me I'll be refreshing my phone waiting for the inevitable "Donnarumma SPOTTED at Heathrow" tip that absolutely nobody has sent me yet but I live in hope.