BREAKING (and I use that word loosely): Ousmane Dembélé has done it again. And by "it" I mean absolutely everything except the one thing you'd quite like a forward to do, which is put the ball in the net when he's got more space than a warehouse in Calais.

Sources close to sources tell me that PSG's 2-0 win over Liverpool in the Champions League quarterfinal first leg could have been, should have been, and in some parallel universe definitely was about 6-0. Luis Enrique himself said his side "should have scored more." Which is a bit like saying the sea is "somewhat damp." The man watched Dembélé skin Trent Alexander-Arnold like a grape approximately fourteen times and still had to settle for a two-goal cushion. I'd be furious too.

Now look. I love Ousmane Dembélé. Everyone loves Ousmane Dembélé. He's the most entertaining footballer on the planet for roughly 89 minutes of every match and then the most infuriating human alive for the other minute, which is the minute where he's supposed to score. He dribbles past three players, chops inside, shifts it onto his left, shifts it onto his right, considers his options, reconsiders his options, does a little shimmy, and then fires it directly at a steward in Row G. It's like watching Picasso paint a masterpiece and then sneeze on it at the last second.

So in honour of Ousmane's latest exhibition in chaotic brilliance, I have ranked football's all-time greatest "did everything except finish" performances, and honestly, compiling this list has given me a migraine.

7. Fernando Torres vs. Manchester United, 2011. The open goal miss. You know the one. I don't need to describe it. It's seared into the collective memory of football like a brand on cattle. Torres rounded the keeper, had the entire goal to aim at, and somehow found the corner flag's postcode instead. David De Gea wasn't even born yet. Probably.

6. Raheem Sterling vs. Lyon, 2020. Manchester City needed one goal. Sterling had the ball. Sterling had the goal. Sterling had the moment. Sterling had everything except, apparently, the ability to make contact with the ball from six yards. It still haunts me and I'm not even a City fan.

5. Yakubu vs. Nigeria, 2010 World Cup. On the line. ON. THE. LINE. I've seen people accidentally score from further away while tying their boots.

4. Sergio Agüero vs. everyone in that one weird patch in 2017. Look, even the greats have phases where the ball just won't go in. Agüero once hit the post three times in a single match and Pep just stared into the middle distance like a man who'd seen the void.

3. Dembélé vs. Liverpool, 2019. Yes! He's been here before! The Barcelona version! Anfield! Semi-final! 3-0 up on aggregate! All he had to do was score and kill the tie forever! He did not score! Liverpool won 4-0 the next week! Football is a horror film and Dembélé is the character who keeps going back into the haunted house!

2. Arjen Robben vs. literally every goalkeeper, 2010-2015. Everyone knew he was cutting inside. EVERYONE. He still got past them. And then he'd hit the keeper's legs. The man was a cheat code with a broken trigger button.

1. Dembélé vs. Liverpool, 2026. The freshest wound. The most dominant wide performance I've seen this season, and the man walked off with zero goals to show for it. PSG won 2-0 and it genuinely feels like a disappointment for them. That's how good and how maddening Dembélé was.

The second leg is still to come, of course, and Liverpool will need the comeback of all comebacks. But Sources close to sources tell me that if Dembélé gets another seventeen chances at Anfield, he might, just might, accidentally put one in.

I wouldn't bet on it though. And I bet on everything.