So Oscar has officially retired from football after a heart issue and honestly? My first reaction was not sadness. It was "wait, Oscar was still playing football in 2025?" And then the sadness hit. And then I started thinking about every other footballer who seemingly vanished from the face of the earth before popping up in a retirement announcement like a ghost at a reunion. 💀

This one's for the group chat. This one's for everyone who just went "WHO?" when their mate sent the notification. Let's rank the all time greats of the "he was still going??" retirement genre.

10. Oscar (2025) ⚽

The man who made us believe Chelsea's midfield could be silky and Brazilian. Then he went to Shanghai SIPG in 2017 for roughly four hundred billion pounds a week and essentially entered the witness protection programme. Came back to São Paulo, had a heart issue, and now he's done. 33 years old. He was genuinely class at Chelsea and I will not hear otherwise. But the fact that most people's mental image of Oscar is still from 2015 tells you everything. Rest well, king.

9. Jack Wilshere (2022)

POV: You're Jack Wilshere's knees and you've chosen violence every single day since 2011. The man played that one game against Barcelona and we gave him a 15 year career based on vibes alone. Retired at 30 and honestly his body retired at like 24. 😭

8. Samir Nasri (2021)

Left Arsenal for City in the most controversial transfer of 2011, won titles, then just... dissolved. Ended up at Anderlecht and then West Ham for about 45 minutes. His retirement announcement was the definition of "oh right, yeah, him."

7. Mario Götze (First Time Around, 2020ish)

Scored the World Cup winning goal at 22. Then Pep played him at left back or something and he just slowly faded from existence. He actually came back at Eintracht Frankfurt and was decent, but there was a solid two year window where nobody on earth could tell you what Mario Götze was doing. 💀

6. Alexandre Pato (2023)

This man was supposed to be the next Ronaldo. THE next Ronaldo. Instead he became the poster boy for "peaked at 19 and spent the next decade on a world tour nobody asked for." Chelsea, Villarreal, Tianjin, São Paulo, Orlando. This is cinema. Tragic cinema.

5. Yaya Touré (2022)

Absolute Etihad legend who left City and then played for Qingdao Huanghai in China and I genuinely thought that was a made up team when I first read it. The birthday cake drama outlived his actual career. 🎂

4. Fernando Torres (2019)

Ended up at Sagan Tosu in Japan. EL NIÑO. At Sagan Tosu. The man who broke Vidic's ankles weekly was playing in front of 15,000 people in Saga Prefecture. No caption needed.

3. Adriano (2016)

The Emperor. Had the most powerful left foot in football history. Then depression and personal issues took over and he basically disappeared from top level football at like 26. His actual retirement came years later at a lower league Brazilian club. Still hurts. 😭

2. Ronaldinho (2018)

The GOAT of joy retired and nobody even noticed because he'd been playing futsal, doing cameos, and living his absolute best life for about six years prior. The memes write themselves. 🐐

1. Gourcuff (2019)

Yoann Gourcuff. "The French Zidane." Won Ligue 1 Player of the Year in 2009. Then injuries ate him alive and he retired at 33 having not played a professional match in FOUR YEARS. That's not a retirement. That's a missing persons case that got resolved. 💀🔥

Oscar, you deserved better than becoming a pub quiz answer. But honestly? So did half this list. Football stays undefeated at forgetting its own.