BREAKING (and I use that word loosely): Tottenham Hotspur, a football club that once had the audacity to call itself "The Entertainers," have appointed Roberto De Zerbi as manager with SEVEN Premier League games remaining, in what I can only describe as the footballing equivalent of hiring a Michelin-starred chef to save your dinner party when the main course is already on fire and your guests are putting on their coats.

Sources close to sources tell me that Vinai Venkatesham, the man who helped Arsenal hire Mikel Arteta (and who was famously photographed leaving Arteta's house at 1:20am like the world's most conspicuous secret agent), has decided that the best way to rescue Spurs from their worst season this century is to bring in a man who left Marseille, who left Brighton, and who has never once managed a relegation battle. Bold. Bold is the word I'll use. There are other words, but my editor won't let me print them.

Now look, De Zerbi is a brilliant coach. He really is. The man had Brighton playing football that made neutrals weep with joy. But there's a difference between building a beautiful passing philosophy over a pre-season and being asked to do it in seven games while the entire fanbase is hyperventilating into a paper bag. It's like asking someone to learn the piano in time for a concert that's already started.

This got me thinking, though. Spurs aren't the first club to make a "WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT PANICKING" appointment when relegation is staring them in the face. So I've ranked the ten most hilariously desperate managerial hires in football history.

10. Tim Sherwood at Aston Villa (2015) — Hired with the brief of keeping Villa up. Did keep them up. Then got sacked the following December when everyone remembered he was Tim Sherwood. The gilet deserved better.

9. Paolo Di Canio at Sunderland (2013) — The appointment that made every pundit in the country say "well, this will be interesting" in a tone that meant "this will be catastrophic." They were right.

8. Claudio Ranieri at Watford (2021) — "Let's hire the man who won the Premier League!" they said. He lasted 112 days. Watford gonna Watford.

7. Avram Grant at West Ham (2010) — A man whose entire CV seemed to read "nearly, but not quite." West Ham went down. Consistency, at least.

6. Sam Allardyce at Leeds (2023) — Four games. Big Sam was given four games to save Leeds. He couldn't. But he did have a lovely time.

5. Felix Magath at Fulham (2014) — The man who allegedly treated a player's knee injury with cheese. CHEESE. They went down. The cheese could not save them.

4. Igor Tudor at Tottenham (2025/26) — And here's the beautiful symmetry! De Zerbi is replacing the man who was ALREADY a panic appointment. It's panic appointments all the way down. It's turtles, but the turtles are all screaming.

3. Luis Enrique at any club ever — Hasn't happened yet but I feel it in my bones. One day a relegation-threatened club will hire Luis Enrique and he will simply refuse to acknowledge they are in the relegation zone. "The table? I don't look at the table. Next question."

2. Rafa Benitez at Everton (2021) — Not technically a relegation appointment but it FELT like one from day one, didn't it? Hiring your rival's former manager is the kind of decision you make at 3am after too many wines.

1. Roberto De Zerbi at Tottenham (2026) — Straight in at number one. Seven games. A squad that's been through two managers this season already. A fanbase that hasn't unclenched since October. And a tactical philosophy that requires about six months of patient coaching to implement. What could go wrong?

The thing is, and I say this with genuine affection for the chaos, it might actually work. De Zerbi is that good. He could genuinely walk into that dressing room, reorganise the pressing structure, revitalise the build-up play, and inspire Spurs to seven straight wins. He could also lose at Bournemouth on the first day and watch the whole thing unravel like a cheap jumper.

Either way, I'll be watching. Sources close to sources tell me this is appointment of the season.

I'll see myself out.