BREAKING (and I use that word loosely): A football manager has looked at a multi-billion dollar stadium opening, complete with what I can only assume will be fireworks, celebrity appearances, and at least fourteen different flavours of artisanal mojito, and said "yeah, ignore all that."

Javier Mascherano, the man who once bit the pitch at the World Cup (I might be misremembering that, but the energy was there), has told his Inter Miami squad to completely block out the festivities surrounding the opening of Nu Stadium this Saturday night. Just... pretend it's not happening. Like it's a text from your ex at 2am. Just leave it on read, lads.

Sources close to sources tell me... actually, no, this one's real. This actually happened. Mascherano genuinely stood in front of a group of professional footballers who play in MIAMI, a city whose entire personality is "party," and told them to focus on the football. In a brand new stadium. That their club built. For them. That is literally opening FOR THIS MATCH.

I've heard of managers trying to control the narrative, but this is like building a theme park and then telling the kids they're only allowed to use the car park.

Now look, I understand the logic. I do. I've been doing this long enough to know that managers love nothing more than sucking the joy out of absolutely everything. It's basically in the job description. "Must hold UEFA Pro Licence. Must be able to say 'we take it one game at a time' without laughing. Must actively destroy fun." Mascherano is just doing his job. But come on, Javi. COME ON.

This is Nu Stadium we're talking about. Brand spanking new. That new stadium smell. You know the one. It's like new car smell but with more overpriced hot dogs and slightly worse parking. Every footballer dreams of playing in a stadium opening. It's up there with scoring a worldie in a cup final or getting a boot deal where you don't have to wear boots that look like they were designed by someone having a fever dream.

And here's the thing that really gets me. Inter Miami aren't exactly a club built on the foundations of monastic discipline, are they? This is the franchise that was essentially constructed as a vehicle for Lionel Messi to enjoy his twilight years in the Florida sunshine while David Beckham posed for photographs nearby. The entire brand is vibes. The whole operation runs on glamour, celebrity, and Instagram content. And now Mascherano wants to strip all that away for... competitive focus?

Mate, you're managing a team in MLS. I love MLS. I respect MLS. But if you can't enjoy a stadium opening in Miami on a Saturday night, when CAN you enjoy things? During the midweek trip to Columbus in February? During the away day at altitude in Salt Lake City? Let the boys LIVE, Javier.

I'm also deeply curious about the practical mechanics of ignoring a stadium party. Like, are they going to walk through the tunnel with blinkers on? Noise cancelling headphones during the warm up? "Right lads, I know there's a DJ Khaled hologram doing the half time show, but I need you thinking about our high press in the second half."

The funniest outcome, obviously, would be if they lose. Imagine. Brand new stadium. Told everyone to ignore the party. Lose 3-0. Mascherano at the post match press conference looking like a man who's just realised he left the oven on.

The second funniest outcome would be if they win and Mascherano himself is the first one moshing in the VIP section at 1am.

Either way, I'll be watching. Not from Miami, obviously. LolFootball don't stretch to that kind of expenses. I'll be watching from my sofa in Stevenage, eating a Pot Noodle, living vicariously through people who get to enjoy things.

Enjoy the stadium, Miami. Even if your manager won't let you.