BREAKING. And when I say breaking, I mean it in the way a calculator breaks when you try to work out Andre Onana's wage structure at Manchester United. Sources, and by sources I mean a bloke who once sat next to an accountant at a motorway service station, tell me that United are facing a 'dilemma' over their goalkeeper's future because his wages apparently have more clauses than a European Union treaty.

Now, I've seen some complicated contract situations in my time. I once spent three hours trying to understand why a League Two striker got a bonus for every pigeon he didn't kick during pre-match warm-ups. But this Onana situation? This is next level. Apparently, his wages are set to 'spike' if United qualify for Europe. Not Champions League specifically, mind you. Just Europe. Any Europe. Conference League? Spike. Europa League? Spike. A friendly in Mallorca? Probably still a spike, knowing United's negotiation skills.

The beautiful thing about this story is that it perfectly encapsulates everything about modern Manchester United. They've somehow managed to create a wage structure so convoluted that whether they pay their goalkeeper properly depends on them being competent at football. It's like paying your plumber based on whether your house doesn't flood. Surely that should be the baseline expectation, not the bonus criteria?

Sources close to sources who once met a source at Old Trafford tell me that United's legal team are now working around the clock to understand what constitutes 'European qualification.' Does the Europa Conference League count? What about if they finish 8th but win the FA Cup? What if they accidentally wander into a European competition through some obscure UEFA coefficient loophole that nobody understands?

The thing that gets me is that somewhere in the bowels of Carrington, there's probably a meeting room full of executives with whiteboards covered in mathematical equations, trying to work out whether paying Onana his full wages is financially viable if they qualify for the Conference League but crash out in the group stages. 'Right, if we multiply the gate receipts by the coefficient of Onana's penalty save percentage, then divide by the number of times Erik ten Hag says 'process' in press conferences...'

My favourite part of this whole saga is imagining the original contract negotiation. 'We'll give you X amount, but if we're good at football, we'll have to give you more money.' 'But surely being good at football is the point?' 'Have you seen us play recently?' Fair point, well made.

Of course, the real question nobody's asking is what happens if United somehow qualify for Europe but Onana's performances are so spectacularly awful that they get knocked out by a team of part-time accountants from San Marino. Do his wages go back down? Is there a 'goalkeeper howler' clause that voids the European bonus? Does he have to pay the club back if he lets in a goal from his own half?

Done deal or mathematical nightmare? At this point, I'm not sure even Onana knows what he's earning week to week. Somewhere, Fabrizio Romano is trying to figure out how to tweet about wage structures that require a scientific calculator.