Scumbag Fact File on AWOL Footballer Nile Ranger

 9 years, 6 months ago 3 Comments

How can a man blessed with such an excellent name have squandered his gifts so thoroughly? Underneath the thuggish, wannabe-gangster exterior, there’s more than likely a talented footballer lurking, seeing as how Newcastle, Swindon Town and Blackpool have all seen fit to take a chance on him despite his antics off the pitch.

A little over a month ago, Ranger retweeted this video, thanking his new employers at Bloomfield Road for throwing him a lifeline when everyone else had shunned him and declaring his intentions to reform his ways:

Among other things, Ranger states how he is a religious man, how he was lucky enough to have been mentored by some of the finest striking talents in the game, including Michael Owen, Mark Viduka and Demba Ba, and how in his youth he was stupid and arrogant, but all that has now changed. Here we are, just four and a half weeks later, and Ranger has once again let his team down by going AWOL from training.

According to Blackpool manager Lee Clark, “If anyone can let us know where he is, send me a letter and we will go from there. I don’t know where he is, I haven’t seen him for more than two weeks. He’s been asked to report into training and has been asked to play in games and he hasn’t been seen.”

Ranger’s response was a nonchalant tweet, explaining his absence… but not really:

In light of his repeated bad behaviour, here’s a fact-file on some of Ranger’s more newsworthy misdemeanours.

  • Aged 15 – sentenced to 11 weeks in a Young Offenders’ Institute for a street mugging in Muswell Hill, London.
  • Aged 20 – arrested for assaulting a man in Newcastle town centre, leaving him unconscious in the street. Finally found not guilty.
  • Aged 20 – days after being reinstated into Newcastle’s first team squad after 3 months in the reserves, Ranger was arrested and later found guilty of being drunk and disorderly in Cathedral Square in Newcastle.
  • Aged 20 – fined by the FA for making homophobic comments on Twitter. Also arrested for skipping bail whilst being charged with four assaults.
  • Aged 21 – arrested and charged with criminal damage after being found at the crime scene where a door had been broken down. The charges were later dropped because he claimed he was worried his girlfriend was being kidnapped, so forced entry.
  • Aged 21 – arrested and charged on suspicion of rape. Finally found not guilty one year later.
  • Aged 21 – charged with common assault in Newcastle city centre.
  • Aged 22 – crashed his car into a parked vehicle after “swerving to avoid a fox”.
  • Aged 22 – released by Swindon for being repeatedly AWOL.
  • Aged 22 – broke a window of a taxi in Liverpool – charged with criminal assault and forced to pay £1,000.
  • Aged 23 – arrested and charged for damaging property in a block of flats (he kicked the door in to gain access). Also arrested and charged with assault after CCTV appeared to show him strike the female he was with three times, though he never faced the charges.
  • Aged 23 – goes AWOL from Blackpool Football Club for more than one week.

Also, this one isn’t criminal, but it’s fairly moronic:

  • Aged 22 – Ranger has his own name tattooed onto the side of his head… Does he suffer from memory loss, a la Memento, or is he just an idiot? You decide:

Nile Ranger tattoo

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