FIFA To Overturn “Fat Kid Goes In Goal” Ruling

 7 years, 10 months ago 1 Comment


A long-standing rule in international, domestic and grass-roots football, that the fat kid must always start in goal, is to be scrapped thanks to a forward-thinking new FIFA ruling designed to protect big-boned children that only a mother could love.

The new stipulation, entitled “The Positive Self-Esteem Rule”, received almost unanimous support when put to a vote at a recent FIFA summit in McDonalds Drive-Thru Car Park, Bern.

According to witnesses, executives met to discuss the fall-out of the decades-old long law, which has seen portly young children everywhere, grow up to amount to nothing, crushed by childhood memories of ‘stingers’ to the nuts and close-range belters purposely aimed at paunches.

Hayley Wobble, Chief Fundraiser at charity group Ashamed of Thin Pricks has welcomed the ruling.

I see the new ruling as a progressive ‘get-with-the-times’ move to get biscuit-loving kids back out from the confines of jail-like goal-lines and outfield again.

I hope it marks a new dawn in rotund rebellion and that we see a huge-as-fuck guy knock in the goals for England soon”.

Juventus striker Gonzalo Higuain also called the ruling “a jelly-belly revolution”, pointing out that in his native Argentina such barbarity had ended long ago.

The fat kid rule? Could you have imagined if Argentina had that? There’d be no Gonzalo Higuain. Not even Maradona”.

Changes are set to take effect immediately, with former Sheffield Wednesday’s favourite tubby Kevin Pressman and Newcastle’s ‘not bad for a fat lad‘ legendary hitman, Micky Quinn to bear witness to the signing of the historic new ruling.

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