Old Lady Resorts to Fat Shaming to Ensure Footballing Success

 7 years, 9 months ago 1 Comment


Italian champions Juventus, affectionally nicknamed “The Old Lady” by fans, have been caught up in a shocking new scandal of late, this time with some of Italy’s most notorious social justice warriors.

Following recent news reports that manager Massimiliano Allegri is resorting to “fat shaming” tactics in order to bait new striker Gonzalo Higuain into getting “so angry he wants to murder the ball”, several cultural commentators have come out in force to berate Juventus’ rather non-traditional move.

Claiming that calling him fat only makes him “score more”, the former Real Madrid and Argentinian international is garnering a lot of sympathy in his adopted country, especially from the more liberal left.

Gonzalo is beautiful no matter how many cheeseburgers he wishes to put away before pre-season training”, says one well-known cultural commentator, while “it’s absolutely disgusting this cultural and societal expectation that professional athletes, paid well over the national-average, have to be in great shape and top condition”, claimed another.

Gonzalo, on his own behalf, has been reported by close friends to have bemoaned the invasion of his personal “safe space” by Allegri, even going so far as to say “it’s not my fault that I was born big-boned or that Italian donuts are so yummy.”

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