Jumpers for Goalposts Now ‘Vintage Smoking Jackets for Goalposts’ Thanks to New Hipster Influenced Legislation

 7 years, 10 months ago 0 Comments


Gone are the days of scruffy kids pulling off their grandmother’s knitted sweaters/chav tracksuit jackets to use for goalposts. New legislation announced today, coming out of the country’s Department of Culture and Aesthetic Prowess, has banned the use of jumpers for goalposts, citing a penalty of up to 12 months imprisonment in the same cell as Adam Johnson for those failing to comply.

The new laws, said to be influenced by the hipster enclaves of some of the UK’s biggest cities, cite that only expensive vintage smoking jackets be used instead.

A spokesperson, questioned by a field of journalists in today’s press conference, had this to say.

We see the new measures as only right. Britain’s fields have been blighted for decades with the ugly and unsightly fall-out of baked-bean and cum-stained jumpers for too long.

We feel smoking jackets, particularly of a vintage variety, and specifically those picked up from high-end East London boutiques, are a greater replacement that can only help enhance the sport, keep Britain trendy and ensure our future players continue to buy organic and listen to Pavement every chance they get”.

Response to the new legislation, although still very much developing, seems mixed at this stage.

Former player Robbie Savage took to Twitter to commend the new ruling, writing “thank fuck the nightmare is over, my threads have gone unworn for too long”.

The Premiership’s all-time leading scorer Alan Shearer, on the other hand, remains unconvinced.

Fucking top-knot poofs”, commented the former England legend in an early morning expletive-laden interview on Radio Five Live.

Social media continues to melt down.

sign up for email updates

Subscribe to our mailing list and get updates straight to your email inbox.



You must be logged in to post a comment Login