11 Dirty Football Players Who Would Kick Their Own Granny

 9 years, 1 month ago 5 Comments

Dirty football players XI rules – we had to find football’s best known nut-jobs and assemble them into a team good enough to win the English Premier League. Sidenote – we believe there’s a big difference between being ‘hard’ and just being full on batshit crazy. Some of these players are not ‘hard’ men per se, but they are all undoubtedly off their rocker. However, some would also be worthy of a ‘hard man’ eleven but for this week we are concentrating on football players who are gung-ho lunatic.

Without further ado, we present…Psycho Athletic.

Jens Lehmann (Goalkeeper)

Jens Lehmann about to take down Carlos Puyol.


They say you have to be crazy to be a goalie and they don’t come much crazier than the former Arsenal stopper. The big German was never one to walk away from, or even start a scrap during his playing career and he still holds the record for most red cards for any player of Borussia Dortmund as well as for any goalkeeper in the German Bundesliga. Not to mention an early bath in the Champion’s League final for slicing down Samuel Eto’o.

Ben Thatcher (Left Back)

The journeyman full-back showed many psychopathic tendencies during his career, most infamously the incident on poor Pedro Mendes with a brutal elbow when playing for Manchester City and an attempted murder on Nicky Sumerbee too. A complete nasty piece of work and fully deserving member of the Psycho Athletic team.

Paolo Montero (Centre Back)

Modern day dirty football players don't even come close to this crazy Uruguayan.

The Uruguayan defender was at the heartbeat of Juventus’s team which dominated Italian football back in the 90’s. He was also absolute filth and he still holds the record for the most red cards in Serie A. 16 times. SIXTEEN TIMES!

Pepe (Centre Back)

No introduction needed as he is probably the first name which springs to mind in the search for psychos in the modern day game. Pepe gets away with proverbial murder every week because of the status of the club that he plays for and most players in Spain probably can’t wait to see the back of him.

Tomas Repka (Right Back)

Repka, who played for Czech clubs Banik Ostrava and Sparta Prague, Fiorentina in Italy and West Ham, has earned 18 red and 96 yellow cards in his professional career. The defender is known for his late tackles, swearing, aggression, and for spitting at opponents. Lovely guy! In 2009 the foul-mouthed crazy bastard instigated a brawl – with parents watching their children play a junior league game. Good luck being a left winger against this hotheaded nutcase.

Vinnie Jones (Central Midfield)

When he wasn’t squeezing Gazza’s balls, hacking down Eric Cantona, Steve McMahon et al he was getting involved in bar fights and once had a full-on street fight with his mate John Hartson just to see who was the hardest of the two. Look no further than Vinnie when it comes to a mentally unhinged footballer.

Joey Barton (Central Midfield)

Joey’s worse enemy is often himself. Where do we begin to qualify Joey in the heartbeat of Psycho Athletic? The cigar event. The physical assault event. The time in jail. The Ousmane Dabo attack. The Aguero incident. And all the rest! Barton is a ticking time bomb waiting to happen and he’ll be in good company in this team.

Roy Keane (Central Midfield & Captain)

A team of psychos without Roy Keane is not a team of psychos. Keane makes absolutely no apologies for his behaviour both physically and verbally. His successful career is blighted by many a violent incident and we’re not even sure if he likes himself. But he’s a winner and so he claims the captains armband as the 3rd midfielder in a 4-3-3 formation.

Luis Suarez (Left Forward)

Undeniably brilliant and undoubtedly well and truly off his tits! Suarez, the second mental Uruguayan in our team has a nasty habit of sinking his teeth into players to express his frustration and he couldn’t even keeps his gnashers to himself during the World Cup when Uruguay had all but qualified. Truly talented. Totally mental. Get him in the team!

Eric Cantona (Right Forward)

Eric joins Joey Barton as a player who upgraded from scaring fellow players, to terrorising actual football fans. Eric was a psychopathic renegade who lived in his own reality. He was also fucking brilliant so it’s worth the risk having him in your team, as history has proven.

Duncan Ferguson (Striker)

‘Dunc and disorderly’ leads the line of Psycho Athletic. The former Everton, Rangers and Newcastle target man was absolutely terrifying and if you need convincing otherwise – read our seven times Duncan Ferguson was absolutely terrifying piece.

Honourable mentions of dirty football players – Paolo Di Canio, Patrick Vieira (wouldn’t have worked well with Keane), Lee Bowyer, Gazza, Dennis Wise.

Dirty Football Players (Psycho Athletic) Lineup…

Premier League Credentials: 5th

Dirty football players lined up in all their psycho glory.

This team has bags of talent and certainly has the potential to win the Premiership, but in reality the disciplinary problems would just be nothing short of absurd. We’re not even sure they could finish a match with eleven men. Also, although Thatcher and Jones are undoubtedly maniacs – they stand out as obvious weak links in a team of dirty football players which boasts a lot of footballing ability.

Did we miss any dirty football players out who you feel is more worthy of a place in Psycho Athletic?

Related Content: Slaphead FC – All-Time Bald Football Players XI (Video Included)

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