It happens every window. Your club announces a signing. You read the name. You read it again. You have never seen this combination of letters in your life.

What follows is a journey so predictable, so universal, that I have documented it in seven stages for the benefit of science and group chat posterity. 💀

Stage 1: Denial

"That can't be right." You refresh the page. You check the club's official account. You look for the word "loan." You check if someone has hacked the social media team. The signing is real. The name is real. Your confusion is real.

Stage 2: The YouTube Compilation

You type the player's name into YouTube. The first result is a 4-minute video titled "WELCOME TO [YOUR CLUB] | Skills & Goals | HD 2025/26" set to music that sounds like it was produced in a microwave. The footage is from a league you did not know existed. The quality suggests it was filmed on a calculator. You watch it three times anyway.

Stage 3: The Wikipedia Deep Dive

You need facts. You need context. You need to know if this person has ever played a competitive football match. Wikipedia tells you he has 14 caps for a national team you have to Google separately. His previous club is a name you cannot pronounce. His stats are... present. They exist. That is the kindest thing you can say about them.

Stage 4: The Group Chat Defence

Your mates are already laughing. "Who?" they ask. "Never heard of him," they say. You are now emotionally committed to defending this signing. "He's actually really highly rated in [league you learned about nine minutes ago]." You share the YouTube compilation. Nobody watches it. Everyone has opinions anyway.

Stage 5: The Optimistic Comparison

"He reminds me of a young [world-class player]." This comparison is based on nothing. They are the same height. That is the entire basis. But you have said it now, and your group chat will hold you to it for the rest of your natural life.

Stage 6: Acceptance

Three days pass. You have watched every interview available (there are two, both with subtitles). You have read his transfermarkt profile so many times you know his market value trajectory by heart. You have decided he is either a future Ballon d'Or winner or will be loaned to Wigan by January. There is no middle ground.

Stage 7: The Kit Photo

He is holding the shirt. He is smiling. The social media team has added sparkle effects. He is now YOUR player. You will defend him with your life until approximately his third poor performance, at which point you will pretend you were sceptical from the start. This is the cycle. This is football. 😭

#TransferWindow #NewSigning #WhoIsHe #FootballTwitter