I've seen some things in my time. I watched Stoke play tiki-taka for three minutes in 2011 and nearly had an aneurysm. But this Guardiola business has me genuinely concerned for the future of football.
Apparently his head has become so tactical that it's started making formations on its own. No joke. Sources at City tell me his scalp has developed what can only be described as a 3-2-4-1 formation using hair follicles that haven't grown in fifteen years. The man's baldness is now more tactically sophisticated than most Premier League managers.
Look, I respect what Pep's done. Four Premier League titles, the treble, all that. But when your head starts independently deploying players in a false nine position using imaginary hairs, you've crossed a line. It's like he's become so obsessed with tactics that his brain has started growing outside his skull.
The City players don't know what to make of it either. Word is that Erling Haaland walked into training yesterday and Pep's forehead had already positioned him as an inverted right-back before Pep had even opened his mouth. The Norwegian looked confused, which is fair enough because he's a striker, not a tactical diagram.
When Genius Goes Too Far
This is what happens when you give a man too much time to think about football. In my day, you picked eleven lads, told them to run about a bit, and hoped for the best. Now we've got managers whose heads are so full of tactics they're leaking out through their pores.
I heard from Dave down at the Dog and Duck that Guardiola's reflection in the bathroom mirror now shows a 4-3-3 formation. His shadow on sunny days resembles a diamond midfield. The man can't even walk past a window without his silhouette accidentally creating an overload on the left flank.
And don't get me started on the press conferences. Half the time he's explaining why his scalp has decided to drop Kevin De Bruyne deeper, while the other half he's arguing with his own hairline about whether to play with fullbacks or wingbacks. It's absolute madness.
The worst part is, it's probably working. City are still winning games, which means Pep's head is actually better at picking teams than most actual managers. His forehead spotted that Arsenal were vulnerable to quick transitions three games before Mikel Arteta did. His left temple predicted Liverpool's midfield problems in August.
Mark my words, by Christmas his entire head will be running the club. The board will just be following orders from his cranium while Pep himself sits in the corner wondering how he lost control of his own skull.
I give it six months before other managers start trying the same thing. Suddenly we'll have Jurgen Klopp's beard forming pressing triggers and Erik ten Hag's hair attempting a possession-based system. Football's gone completely mental... anyway.