Fully Grown Man Who Wanks Into Sock Claims Rooney Is “Still Shit”

 7 years, 1 month ago 0 Comments

An unemployed, 49-year-old man from Merseyside, who still lives with his Mum and regularly ejaculates into a crusty sock has poured scorn over Wayne Rooney’s record-breaking last-minute goal against Stoke city yesterday.

Speaking from his mother’s dusty basement in a full Liverpool 1982 kit, Colin Cockwomble alleged that the recent record broken by his fellow Scouser was actually a false statistic because; “he’s still shit and has always been overrated,” shortly before mumbling irrelevant ramblings about the attacker’s resemblance to Shrek and something about shagging grannies.

A furious Alan Shearer leaped to the defence of Wayne Rooney on Match Of The Day, vehemently denying Cockwomble’s confusing claims that the 250 club goals were only made possible because; “the referee always bummed him coz he played for Man U,” defending Rooney’s legendary milestone as; “the best English achievement since the sausage and beans Greggs Pasty,” shortly before warning the England captain that he will; “kick his teeth in like he did to Neil Lennon,” should he dare to beat the Geordie Jesus’ long-standing Premiership goal-scoring record.

A seemingly defiant Mr Cockwomble simply ignored the pundit’s praise of Rooney, looking up smugly in front of his side-by-side posters of Titi Camara and Melinda Messenger, before muttering under his breath that the striker was: “a fat chod who only scored in friendlies for England anyway.”

In an act of solidarity for degenerates everywhere, Cockwomble is receiving unanimous support from mentally unhinged men all over the UK who have also done nothing with their sad, miserable, non-existent, sock-wanking lives.

Related Post: FIFA To Overturn “Fat Kid Goes In Goal” Ruling

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