Cabral Makes His Way Into Sunderland AFC’s Sexpest Hall Of Fame

 8 years, 2 months ago 1 Comment


Determined not to be outdone by Titus Bramble, and of course notorious former teammate Adam Johnson – former Sunderland Player, Cabral (real name Adilson Tavares Varela) is to go on trial for two accounts of rape after an alleged incident in Gateshead last year – cementing his place in the north-east club’s elusive ‘Sexpest Hall Of Fame.’

The Premier League strugglers have a dark history of sex scandals, with club legend Niall Quinn citing; “living in a shithole” as the main reason the young superstars lose their way in Wearside:

“I’m not defending the boys’ actions, but if you’ve never been to the city as a footballer or a civilian – you won’t understand what it’s like to completely lose your soul. I remember going to visit Djibril Cisse once because he hadn’t shown up for training. He was violently weeping into his hands, whilst repeating the lyrics to ‘Freak Me’ by Another Level over and over again. It’s hard to see a good man broken like that, but that’s the Mackem curse for you.”

Sunderland, whose proud claim to fame is inventing chavs and being the UK’s main consumer of ‘White Star’ are said to be giving Cabral freedom of the city if found guilty. Sunderland sexpest hall-of-famer and former club goalkeeper, Ben Alnwick, who famously got booted out of the club by party-pooper Roy Keane for a recorded orgy with Chris Brown, Liam Lawrence and some friendly lady in 2006 declined to comment on the Cabral situation, but echoed Quinn’s sympathy for the inhabitants of the city.

“I feel for the players and I feel even more for the fans. It’s embarrassing enough to have to admit you’re from Pennywell, but when they venture out to other parts of the UK and get mistaken for a Geordie – well, where do you go from there? We had too much money and fuck all to do. Trust me, the only thing left to do at SAFC is to become a pervert.”

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