BREAKING. And by breaking, I mean my heart is literally breaking watching these World Cup playoffs unfold. Sources, and by sources I mean my own eyeballs glued to multiple screens like some sort of deranged football octopus, tell me that eight teams are currently in various states of panic, euphoria, and existential crisis as they battle for just four World Cup spots.

Let's start with Italy, shall we? The four-time World Cup winners are currently leading Bosnia and Herzegovina but are down to 10 men because apparently even the Italians can't handle the pressure of potentially missing another World Cup. My sources - a bloke who once met Gianluigi Donnarumma's cousin at a gelato shop - suggest that somewhere Roberto Mancini is either laughing maniacally or crying into his pasta. Possibly both. The man's been through enough.

Meanwhile, England are hosting Japan in what's technically a friendly but feels like a warm-up for the inevitable heartbreak that awaits us all. Early reports suggest Ben White got beaten 'with humbling ease' by a Japanese winger, which honestly sounds about right for England's World Cup preparation strategy. Nothing says 'we're ready for the big stage' quite like getting skinned in the opening minutes of a meaningless friendly.

But here's where it gets properly mental: Sweden v Poland, Czech Republic v Denmark, and Kosovo v Turkey are all kicking off simultaneously, creating what I can only describe as the most stressful Tuesday evening since that time I accidentally bet my week's wages on a Grimsby Town corner count. The atmospheres in Pristina, Solna, and Prague are reportedly 'great across the board,' which in football journalism terms means 'everyone's absolutely losing their minds.'

Sources close to sources who once sat behind Zlatan Ibrahimovic at a Swedish cinema tell me that Poland are treating this like it's their last chance at international relevance until 2030. Which, let's be honest, it probably is. Czech Republic and Denmark, meanwhile, are locked in what can only be described as the most polite battle for World Cup qualification in history. I imagine there's been at least three 'excuse me's and two 'after you's already.

And then there's Kosovo v Turkey, which sounds less like a football match and more like a geopolitical summit that's gone horribly wrong. My sources - a Turkish barber who once cut the hair of someone who might have played football - suggest this one could get spicy.

The thing about playoff football is that it turns perfectly rational human beings into gibbering wrecks. Grown men are probably crying into their Tuesday night takeaways right now because their national team might not qualify for a tournament that's still months away. I once spent an entire evening refreshing the UEFA website during playoff draw night. I wasn't even supporting anyone. I just got caught up in the drama.

Done deal or fever dream? At this point, I genuinely can't tell. All I know is that by the end of tonight, four teams will be booking their summer holidays in America, and four teams will be booking therapy sessions. Possibly in that order.

My sources say this is the most dramatic Tuesday in football since Leicester won the Premier League. Actually, even my sources don't believe that one. But you get the idea.