BREAKING. And by breaking I mean my sources have broken me emotionally. Roberto de Zerbi has been appointed Tottenham manager, which in itself isn't news because it was confirmed about five minutes ago by everyone with functioning eyeballs. But sources close to sources who once walked past the Tottenham training ground car park tell me the Italian has already inserted a 'relegation clause' into his contract.
Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Terry, that sounds completely mental even by your standards.' And you'd be right. But hear me out. My source, who definitely exists and isn't just my reflection in the bathroom mirror during a panic attack, claims De Zerbi's representatives insisted on a clause that allows him to scarper if Spurs get relegated. Which, given they're currently one point above the drop zone with seven games to play, is like installing an ejector seat in a car that's already on fire.
The thing is, nobody at Tottenham seems to know what's happening anymore. They've had THREE managers this season. THREE. That's more managers than they have points above relegation. Igor Tudor got the boot after losing to Nottingham Forest, though in fairness to the man, he'd just learned of his father's death. Proper tragedy that, and the club showed some class waiting until Sunday to announce his departure. But still, three managers in one season? That's Portsmouth levels of chaos, and they're not even in the Premier League anymore.
My sources, and I use that term as loosely as Tottenham use the term 'tactical stability,' suggest De Zerbi's first training session will focus entirely on escape routes from the Tottenham training ground. Apparently he's already identified three separate exits and has a getaway car idling outside with the engine running. Smart man.
The Tottenham Supporters' Trust, bless their cotton socks, have said they cannot support the De Zerbi appointment. Which is brilliant, isn't it? Your club is one match away from Championship football and you're protesting the appointment of a manager who guided Brighton to European competition. It's like complaining about the colour of the lifeboats while the Titanic is doing its best submarine impression.
But here's where it gets properly mental. Sources, and by sources I mean the same bloke from the petrol station but this time he was buying Haribo, tell me De Zerbi has already started learning Championship geography. Apparently he's been spotted with a road atlas, circling places like Millwall and Rotherham with a highlighter. Professional preparation or existential dread? You decide.
The man's got seven games to save Tottenham's Premier League status. Seven! That's fewer games than it takes to properly understand what Daniel Levy had for breakfast, let alone fix whatever cosmic curse has befallen this football club. Next up? Sunderland away. Because nothing says 'relegation scrap' like a trip to the Stadium of Light against a team that knows all about falling through the divisions.
Done deal or fever dream? With Tottenham, it's impossible to tell the difference anymore.