I've been watching football for forty-odd years and I thought I'd seen everything. Teams buying players who couldn't trap a bag of cement. Managers who thought tactics meant shouting louder. Chairmen who believed throwing money at problems would solve them. But Manchester United have managed to surprise even me.

They've decided that instead of buying actual footballers, they'll just hoover up every teenager in Europe who can kick a ball in roughly the right direction. Fifty million for a lad who's played six games. Thirty million for someone whose main achievement is looking decent in training videos. At this rate, they'll be signing my nephew's mate from Sunday league because he once scored a decent free kick.

The Glazers have turned Old Trafford into the world's most expensive youth club. They're spending Premier League money on Championship potential and wondering why nothing works. It's like buying a Ferrari engine and putting it in a shopping trolley. Sounds impressive until you try to drive the bloody thing.

The Mount Everest of Poor Decisions

Take Mason Mount. Chelsea were practically giving him away, which should have been the first warning sign. When a club that spent eighty million on Kepa is happy to let someone go for sixty million, you ask questions. You don't just hand over the cheque and ask where he wants his locker.

But no, United saw a player who'd lost his place at Chelsea and thought, "That's our man." It's like watching your neighbour's car break down and offering to buy it at full price. Mount's a decent player, don't get me wrong, but he's not the missing piece in their puzzle. He's more like finding a jigsaw piece from a completely different box.

The real joke is they've got Marcus Rashford sulking on the wing, Bruno Fernandes doing his impression of a man trying to play football and conduct an orchestra at the same time, and Casemiro moving like he's wearing concrete boots. But sure, let's add another midfielder to the collection. That'll sort it.

Youth Policy Gone Mad

I keep hearing about their "long-term vision" and their "youth development strategy." Long-term vision? They change managers more often than I change my socks. Their youth development strategy seems to be buying other clubs' youth players for ridiculous money and hoping they turn into Messi.

When I was managing, if we spent thirty million on a player, he'd better be ready to play immediately. Not in two years, not after he "adapts to the league," not after he "learns the system." Immediately. These lads are being paid more in a week than most people earn in a year, and we're supposed to be patient while they figure out which end of the pitch to attack.

Back in my day, you bought experience. You bought players who knew how to win games when it mattered. Now they're buying potential and wondering why their potential keeps getting beaten by teams with actual footballers. It's madness, absolute madness. But what do I know? I only managed for twenty years...anyway.