Referee Staunchly Denies Claims of “Being a Wanker”

 7 years, 9 months ago 0 Comments


A referee, plying his trade in the leagues of the English bottom flight, has taken strong action today, threatening to take fans to court over a potential libel class action suit that he claims brings his “very reputation” into disrepute.

Brian Pillock, 47-years-old, staunchly denies claims made by both home and opposing fans of the recent Scunthorpe vs Fleetwood tie, that took place last weekend.

Following jibes made by certain members of the crowd calling the Surrey-born referee a “wanker”, Pillock was forced to drive home in humiliation and consequently explain himself to his wife, his young children and particular members of his family.

It was a deeply saddening thing to have to do. To take your wife aside and explain to her, with shaky confidence, that you don’t masturbate rampantly, and that her obese frame is enough, sexually-speaking”, says Pillock.

In fact, I can’t even remember the last time I’d had a minute to myself to even touch my penis in that way. I’m constantly driving up the motorway to joyless places like Bury and Chesterfield – a service station outside Port Vale is no place for that”, Pillock adds.

Threatening a law-suit against fans of both clubs for their failure to protect his reputation, Pillock is set to be represented by legal team headed up by Jo King, previously in charge of the Eva Carneiro case.

In the case of victory, fans around the country will be forced to retract their statements to include an adjective, with “partial”, “sometime” or “infrequent wanker” among the more likely amendments. would hereby like to remind our readers that #refereeslivesmatter.

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