GBH and Casual Racism Fair Game, Says Scintillating New Chelsea Survey

 7 years, 8 months ago 1 Comment


A new survey conducted to determine the policy of Chelsea Football Club’s general operations was released this morning, detailing the 2014-15 Premier League Champions’ vision for the club moving forward.

“It’s an important new day for Chelsea”, said one senior executive, before diving into a shin-raking tackle of The Times reporter brave enough to attend the afternoon press conference.

The details of the survey, which has had a far-reaching media reaction around the world, puts to rest a lot of the controversy surrounding the London outfit.

Cementing their position over a few hot topics, Chelsea bosses paid credence to issues concerning racism and foul-play in the game, stating that “a bit of  that stuff [GBH and casual racism] is fine as long as you’re good at football”.

The survey also dives into a potential new tactical strategy, coupled with important new developments in boot technology, that hopes to redirect manager Antonio Conte’s brand of pass-and-move football toward something altogether more effective.

“Fashion Diego Costa with new Adidas Ultra-Barbed*TM football studs and give him the green light to dismember any member of the opposition who likens him to a dried prune”, says page three of the survey.

Other highlights include Chelsea’s new locker room language policy amendments, which state that all black players names should be replaced with something altogether easier to pronounce.

“Is it Jon Obi, or Obi Jon? Will.I.An or Williarm? Club captain John Terry is hereby given responsibility for formalising a unique mode of address between Chelsea’s white and non-white first-team players” the survey results also state.

Changes have already been witnessed to be taking effect.

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