Fit Footballers: Eleven Players It’s Ok To Be Gay For (Mancrush United)

 9 years, 1 month ago 0 Comments

The rules – we had to find eleven fit footballers who we and other football fans have unashamed man crushes on and announce it publicly to the world, after assembling them into a team of world-beating studs. Because quite frankly, the transfer rumour mill is repetitive and boring and we miss Match Of The Day.

There was a time not too long ago in history when a bloke would be almost burned at the stake for complimenting another man’s feature and declaring his (totally heterosexual) love for him. Nowadays, we’re much more open about the object of our man-crush affection. And so we should be.

So without further ado, don’t mind us as we throw caution to the wind – join us as we indulge in a team of footballers who are good enough to lift the Premiership trophy whilst at the same time being eligible for an unapologetic bromance.

We present…Man Crush United.

Fit Footballers: (Goalkeeper) Manuel Neuer 


The man who invented the goalkeeper/sweeper role and made it his own is the number one (pun intended) man between the sticks of Man Crush United. And we’re not sorry.

 Fit Footballers: (Left Back) Paolo Maldini 

Paolo Maldini - this fit footballer is one Italian Stallion.

That devoted loyalty which even Fergie couldn’t break. The stalwart defending. The constant bravery. Those piercing blue eyes. There was simply no other option for left back in this team of stunners.

Fit Footballers: (Centre Back) Gerard Piqué

Colombian stunner Shakira thought Gerard Pique was such a fit footballer that she married him.

If he’s good enough for Shakira…

Fit Footballers: (Centre Back) Mats Hummels

Fit footballer Mats Hummels has a world cup medal as a bonus.

World Cup winner and now the captain of his nation Germany. With the face of a Greek God. Hefty man-crush material. Shame he’s possibly off to Old Trafford.

Fit Footballers: (Right Back) Vedran Ćorluka

Corluka with his dreamboat stare.

More like PHWOAR-Luka! We struggled here as fit right backs aren’t easy to find. My bird thinks Sergio Ramos is fit, but we think he looks a bit ratty. And we were hardly going to stick Gary Neville’s mug in just to make up the numbers.

Fit Footballers: (Left Midfield) David Ginola

Fit footballers don't come much fitter than David Ginola!

The Frenchman was single-handedly responsible for delaying a gushing Sue Barker’s menopause on Question of Sport and we can’t say we blame her for her public displays of affection for the former Newcastle, Spurs and Villa winger. He may have carried a bit too much timber for John Gregory’s liking, but with sexy goals like this in the Champions League during his career, Daveeed has earnt a deserved spot on our left wing.

Fit Footballers: (Central Midfield) Xabi Alonso

Xabi Alonso raises a beer to another year of success in his finely ageing years.

Xabi Alonso has won the World Cup, Euros, Champions League, La Liga & Bundesliga in just five years. All whilst sporting perfect stubble and oozing coolness.

Fit Footballers: (Central Midfield) Andrea Pirlo

Andrea Pirlo looking cooler than anyone reading this could ever look.

No Pirlo; no party.

This deliciously-aged specimen just keeps getting better as the years go on. Watching this God of a man cry in the recent Champion’s League defeat to Barcelona made us question our own masculinity. He’s still winning trophies and man of the match awards like nobody’s business and of course – he has a magnificent beard.

Fit Footballers: (Right Midfield & Captain of Man Crush United) David Beckham

David Beckham shows us why he's captain of all fit footballers.

Don’t be fooled by the pretty face and that squeaky voice – David’s a warrior and a classy bastard to match. When he kicked out at Diego Simeone and received an early bath in the France 98, he became a victim of a nationwide witch-hunt, stayed humble, got his head down and won back the hearts of the England fans with a last minute free kick wonder goal against Greece in 2001.

Also getting better with age. His captain’s armband is as equally as warranted as his affection is deserved by the majority of football fans.

Fit Footballers: (Striker) Olivier Giroud

Fit footballer, Giroud was a big hit at the world cup in Brazil.

The hunky Arsenal forward spent most of last season leaping like a beautiful salmon and scoring fantastic headed goals for the Gooners, with his perfect hair left immaculate. Spurs fans may disagree.

Fit Footballers: (Striker) George Best

A genius and controversial figure in the football community with quotes like this.

Yes his death was a premature one, but I trust no man who won’t admit to a slight degree of jealousy for the rock and roll lifestyle lead by George Best during his prime. Best leaves us with video footage of God-like footwork, wonderful goals and a cockiness that would make Tim Sherwood seem ‘a bit shy.’

If you hate George Best, it’s probably because you’ve never been George Best – even for five seconds.

Honourable mentions to other fit footballers – Thierry Henry, Yoann Gourcuff, Cristiano Ronaldo, Freddy Ljungberg

Premier League Credentials: Champions

We think this team of dreamboats can go all the way to knock Jose off his pedestal. Yeah they’re lacking in pace in midfield, but where they lack speed they make up for it in experience, positioning and outrageously perfect passes. We’re a bit worried about Ginola’s moodiness (he is French after all) but we trust that Pirlo will play the father figure and keep him grounded. Solid defence too!

Did we miss anyone out who you feel is more worthy of a place as a fit footballer in Man Crush United?

Related Content: Slaphead FC – All-Time Bald Football Players XI (Video Included)

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