BREAKING. And by breaking, I mean this news is so fresh it's still got that new car smell, except the car is a double-decker bus covered in England flags and the smell is pure, unfiltered hope mixed with questionable life choices.

Sources close to sources who once shared a lift with someone who knows a bloke tell me that England fans are already planning their World Cup victory parade route after tonight's absolutely earth-shattering 3-1 friendly win over Japan at Wembley. Yes, you read that correctly. A FRIENDLY. Against Japan. In March. But apparently that's enough to trigger full 'Three Lions' mode across the nation.

My most reliable source, Dave from the pub who once claimed he invented the 'England's coming home' chant (spoiler alert: he didn't), tells me that within minutes of the final whistle, WhatsApp groups across the country were already discussing bus routes, street party permits, and whether they'd need to book time off work for the inevitable knighthoods.

'It's the way we dominated them,' Dave explained, presumably while ordering his seventh pint. 'Did you see how we controlled that match? Three goals! Against JAPAN! They're practically Brazil but with better technology!' I didn't have the heart to tell Dave that Japan fielded what appeared to be their reserve team's reserve team, and that Ben White got 'beaten with humbling ease' in the opening minutes according to The Guardian's live coverage.

But here's where it gets properly mental. Sources suggest that some England fans are already pricing up flights to North America for the 2026 World Cup, despite the small matter of actually qualifying for it first. 'We beat Japan,' one supporter reportedly told his mortgage advisor. 'We're basically already world champions. Can I remortgage the house for travel expenses?'

The optimism is so infectious it's actually spread to the players. My sources (and by sources I mean a bloke who once sat near Jordan Pickford's mum in a Waitrose cafe) claim that several England players have already started practising their victory speeches. Apparently Harry Kane's got his acceptance speech for the Golden Boot written on his phone notes, right next to his shopping list and a reminder to call his nan.

Now, I should point out that tonight's performance against Japan was genuinely encouraging. England looked fluid, creative, and actually fun to watch, which is more than we could say about most of their recent outings. But planning a victory parade after beating Japan in a friendly is like celebrating your driving test success by entering Formula 1. Technically related activities, but perhaps we're getting a bit ahead of ourselves.

The really beautiful part? This is exactly what being an England fan is about. The unwavering ability to transform any positive result into immediate World Cup certainty, regardless of context, opposition strength, or basic mathematical probability. It's the hope that kills you, but it's also the hope that makes supporting England the beautiful disaster it is.

Done deal or fever dream? Well, the victory parade's definitely a fever dream, but the hope? That's as real as it gets. Just maybe don't book those flights just yet, yeah?